Stand Up To Cancer

Since my body was starting to heal my hair finally started to grow, when I first got my hair my head was like a fuzzy peach. I still had some major bald spots in the back of my head that hadn't grown hair yet, but I was growing hair again! I asked my mom what my hair was like when I was a baby and she only told me that I had always had hair, so technically this was the only time I've ever been bald. My left eye didn't have any eyelashes on the top or bottom, and since my eye looked a little sunken in I thought I would purchase some fake eyelashes for both eyes so I would match just a little. Well, I tried the eyelashes and they weren't easy to put on without real eyelashes. I only used it a couple times, but when I did it was a sloppy job so I stopped using the eyelashes.

To torture myself through another emotional rollercoaster I decided to watch the "Stand Up To Cancer" program on September 7th. I never used to listen to these stories, I knew that cancer was terrible and people had to go through a lot. I even knew people who had cancer or other diseases and other trials and tribulations. But being a patient yourself is a whole different story, cancer was a wake-up call. People aren't just suffering, people are dying. This disease has become more of an epidemic, something is not right for so many people to suffer like this.

We as the natural man don't put ourselves in others' shoes unless it becomes personal, whether someone we love is going through something hard or it be ourselves. Why is it that we just don't care about strangers or others we don't understand to just let them suffer? We as patients and troubled people expect to hear encouragement from our loved ones, but we really think and are motivated by the people who don't know us, because they did it out of their way. They are the saints that make a difference in the world one person at a time. I encourage people to help their family and loved ones, but I would advise to help a neighbor you don't know, a co-worker you don't usually talk to, or someone you don't know. Everyone is battling some kind of trial. Everyone needs someone to talk to or just a friend.

Everytime I hear a story about someone suffering from a scary disease like cancer I have to listen to the story, because I am more understanding as to what they have to go through or gone through. My experience is different from anyone else's, but I like to look back on my life and hear about how familiar other people's problems are to mine.

A Bruised Butt, Gelato, and Drool.

Life was finally turning around I was able to go to church and even went to my cousin's bridal shower. Okay, I wasn't in perfect shape when I went to the bridal shower, but HEY I got out of the house and did something that wasn't going to the doctors. At this point I was still having a hard time eating, and when it came to sweets, well forget it they were too strong or too rich I hated eating anything sweet. It was all about the salt, eating things like chips and fries. I was constantly craving fries! It was so good to get out of the house, but since I was so used to my reclining chair at home I was used to having a cushion on my butt. When I sat on a hard chair I could feel my butt getting bruised. I was so uncomfortable sitting in the chair and my family noticed. I was complaining a little to my mom and aunt that my butt hurt. My aunt Amy was so sweet to bring in some blankets for me to sit on after she laughed about my boney butt. Of course on my way home I asked my mom to stop off to get me some french fries. Mmmm food!

August 30th I went out with my sister and nephew for some gelato, another exciting day because I got away from home. I was still taking my gatorade bottle with me everywhere because I was nervous to leave the house without my drink in case I needed it, and let me tell you I always needed it! I don't remember what the name of the gelato place we went to, but It was freezing in there. It would make sense as to why it would be cold, but it was worse when I started eating the gelato. When we got outside in the heat I wanted to be back in the cold building.

Ever since I got my feeding tube out I tried sleeping in my bed, and it was so hard getting used to sleeping in a flat bed. For the first couple weeks it would make my ears throb and make me kind of nauseated. I was still not able to swallow my saliva by then, so I would sleep with my tissues if I needed them and I would wake up with my shirt wet because I had drooled. But the night of August 30th I tried to swallow my saliva and I didn't get sick! It was still thick but it was getting better. I finally got some good sleep when I knew I could swallow my own spit, this was a huge step for me. I didn't realize how grateful I was for the ability to swallow. Before I had cancer it was as easy as breathing and now it's never been as easy for me. To this day I still struggle with swallowing, but I'm so happy I can!

A Little Loss For A Big Gain

As many of you already know, I am a Latter Day Saint Christian. I was born in this faith with good parents who taught me the gospel. I grew up learning about the Book of Mormon along with the Bible, and The Pearl of Great Price.To this day I believe in our modern day prophet, Thomas S. Monson. I don't drink alcohol or coffee, and I don't smoke, have tattoos, or dress immodestly. It is because I grew up in the church that I had learned these things, but I obey these commandments because I have faith in it. I'm not perfect but that only makes me human. I could go on in what I believe and express longer how much I love the gospel, but the reason I wanted to share this was background information for what I am about to tell you.

Every sunday at church I would take the sacrament and when I was a kid it was my least favorite hour on sunday because I thought all the speakers after taking the sacrament were dreadfully boring. As I got older and actually paid attention to the speakers and the sacrament became more meaningful to me, it became the hour I didn't want to miss. I'm not saying this because it's an expected answer of a good mormon girl. I'm saying this because I've re-evaluated my life. 

When I became diagnosed with cancer, I was never mad at God I accepted it and moved on. How could you hate someone who is just trying to show you something important. I know God had no intention of hurting me, but I think he knew I was strong enough to handle it and come out better than I was before. When I was going through chemo and radiation I couldn't go to church, so how was I supposed to get the sacrament? Luckily for a week or two I had some nice men come to my house who blessed some bread and water for me. Unfortunately, as the effects of chemo and radiation took a hold of me I couldn't even swallow so I had to go without the sacrament for a couple months.
I truly believe that you don't realize what your missing till it's taken away from you. In this case it was taking the sacrament, it meant so much to me when I got to return August 26th to church. I didn't hold anything back, so when I took the sacrament I did cry and it felt so good to feel apart of the church again. Even through all the pain, heartache, and effects I was still feeling it gave me some peace. I am so proud of myself for never giving up on my faith and my values.

Crazy Fascinations

I just wanted to share a little of what it was like on a feeding tube, I was recieving liquid food from a tube that attatched to a bag that attatched to a pole. Everytime I wanted to go to the bathroom I would have to drag that pole with me, when I had long chemo visits I would bring a special backpack to put it in to substitute the pole. But when I was going through chemo I was still stuck on a pole anyhow. If I had the energy or someone by my side I would just ask them to unplug me from my feeding while I went to the bathroom.
When your on a feeding tube you'd think that your stomach would feel satisfied, like you never craved food because you were neither hungry nor full but just satisfied. That is not the case with feeding tubes, you are always hungry, but when your feeding tube is clogged and you have no source of food at all your body is truly starving. Starving is to be deprived of nourishment, that is all my food consisted of. Those time my feeding tube was clogged my stomach never growled, it just gave me pain and many cravings for any kind of food. Even when I was on my feeding tube I would watch TV and 90% of commercials consist of some advertisement of food! Some days I would torture myself by watching shows like "Man Vs Food". It was very frustrating not being able to eat real food, I had no taste buds that even when I did try food it's not like I could actually taste it.
So back to when I first had Nachos, they were in truth a little piece of heaven, but it was cut too short when I fell asleep. The next day my feeding tube clogged, I decided for myself that I was NOT going to have another feeding tube replaced I was done! The only problem was that the hospital wouldn't take me to get it taken out( I can't remember the reason) So my mom called a doctor to ask if she could do it. This really scared me because I was thinking you need to know how to pull something out of someone's body, right? My mom is a very smart and wise person, but she isn't a doctor. I love her, but I was very hesitant. So when the doctor told her that anyone could do it, I freaked!
I finally got over the fact that my mom was going to pull it out and wanted to get this over with. My sister Jamie was with us and was very excited to witness this, actually she kinda wished she had done it. I layed flat waiting for it to get pulled when I had a bad urge to once again puke. earlier that day I decided to try and eat licorice and well after that puking, twizzlers have not sounded good since.
I decided that it would be better if I sat up when it was being pulled out, so here I am freaking out that I will puke again, my mom is sliding the tube out of my nostril and I see Jamie's face crazy with fascination.
Once it was out, I felt so relieved and worry free. I'll never forget when Jamie told me she was bummed that she didn't take any pictures or a video. Now that the feeding tube was out I had the responsibility to take care of my eating habits. If I didn't get my weight up soon I might have to be back on the feeding tube, which is my last resort, actually that's a lie I think I rather have a feeding tube then have another ensure or instant breakfeast. I started off slowly by eating things like chicken noodle soup(heated), baked potatoes, and french fries. I was still having trouble swallowing and tasting things, but atleast I did well with these. During this time my mom always told me that if I ever had a craving or something I wanted to eat that she would go and get it for me, because the more I ate the better. It was important to get my weight up ,after having my feeding tube out I lost another couple of pounds that I couldn't afford to lose, but I was once again struggling get that weight back on my own, but I was very determined to do it on my own without the feeding tube. It was a risky gamble for my body but in the end it turned out to be successful.

Falling Asleep Eating Nachos

I managed to suffer through the holiday and get my feeding tube replaced. What I didn't explain very well that during the July month I was having a big problem with my left eye. At the beginning of the month my left side was pretty swollen especially near my left eye. After my last hospital stay it went down, but I had trouble opening my eye, it was weak and tired and I started to see double vision if I opened that eye. Since I wasn't opening the eye very much I had almost trained myself how to see with one eye. I had gone to some appointments for my eye, and luckily they told me it should heal on its own. I finally decided that it was time to try using that eye even if I saw double vision. After using it frequently for the next couple of days the double vision corrected itself, maybe there wasn't a problem the whole time.
In the beginning of August I had a real hard time with my saliva, it seemed as if it was getting worse, it would get stuck in my throat and I had no choice but to puke it out. I had a lot of pain going on because I was still trying to heal. It really took a lot of time to heal and recover, and because I was puking most days I would get very dehydrated so every week I had a nurse come into my home and clean my port to be used again. Since I was so sick and also so nauseated I didn't know if I could do my scans that were scheduled for the 10th. As I was in the parking lot I was confident I was going to make it and keeping my spirits up until I could tell I was going to pass out from walking too fast. Right outside of the building I puked once again, that's when I knew I was never going to make it through my scans. I had to cancel my MRI that day and rescheduled it for the next monday. I still had to go through with my PET scan because they already had everything waiting for me and this scan is very expensive so I really didn't have much of a choice. I was relieved though when they gave me the good IV fluid for my stomach. within almost ten minutes I didn't feel like puking and I was very calm. I finished my pet scan and on the 13th I continued with my MRI.
On the 16th when I was due to change my port and get it flushed I had a new supervisor come in and let me tell you, I did not care for her, she smelled of smoke and I felt like she really didn't know what she was doing. She practically was on top of my while flushing my port! Apparently she stabbed me numerous of time just trying to get it in and it was clearly visible as to where it goes but she missed, not only that when she missed she was going deeper in trying to find the area. I didn't scream because I didn't want her to freak out, but I was sweating bullets and clenching my teeth in pain. When she finally got it done I was so relieved for her to be gone, that was the last time I had my port changed from her.
A week later I was still trying food little by little and my mom had made nachos, but I was feeling some pain still and she told me to try and swallow some liquid tylenol since I was doing a little better swallowing. I thought that seems easy enough right? Well I took it before I ate and when I was in the middle of eating I was starting to feel really drowsy, it felt familiar. I knew this feeling and it was only caused by taking benadryl, I asked my mom if she had given me benadryl instead of tylenol on accident. She looked confused and went to check the bottle, that's when I knew I was right. I could tell she felt bad, but all I could do was laugh. I'll never forget that night. To this day I still give her crap about how she gave me benadryl instead of tylenol.

The Last Bell

On July 12th, Once again I had to replace my feeding tube. Another terrible experience. On July 17th I was on my last cycle of chemo. I decided I should do something I don't usually do. I decided on my last treatment on the 19th I would wear my wig. I got my wig a couple days after my first chemo treatment. That day I was feeling really sick as usual and when I was trying on my wigs I just wanted to go pass out. I hurried through trying on a few wigs and decided on one and left. I tried wearing it a few times, but honestly I hated wearing the wig. It was hot, itchy, and always in my face. I could care less about the wig. So instead of always wearing my wig I decided to show off my bald head. It really wasn't bad since not very many people saw me all the time, and I never looked at myself in the mirror because I was in too much pain to even crane my neck up and hold up my head, I always looked down.

So back to my last chemo cycle, I wasn't very strong but I did feel a bit of motivation to wear my wig and look a little decent. With that motivation I wanted to try eating little at a time. When I last tried grape juice it had no flavor. I knew that my radiation would destroy my taste buds for a while, but I had been off of radiation for a month now so maybe I could try something again. My mom let me have some of her chocolate ice cream, I could taste something but it was so rich and too sweet for me to eat.

That week my mom also gave me a present that was incredibly generous. During my treatments I didn't have a lot to do so I would sleep, check my phone, or have a conversation with my mom even though half the time I couldn't speak. She gave me a coloring book and crayola crayons. It gave me something to do and it was so simple to distract me from everything for a few minutes. It was something to relax me and gave me something else to think about.

That week I also had a couple of my eye appointments to figure out what to do about my eye that I couldn't seem to really open. I only had about five eyelashes on my top eyelid on my left eye. My doctor wasn't sure what was wrong with the eye so for precaution he plucked my last five eyelashes. It sure hurt, but I was also crushed cause those eyelashes were survivors and now they were gone. It would take forever to get my eyelashes back. He gave me some eyedrops to take eventually my eye started to get better.

July 20th I finally got to ring my chemo bell after having my shot from chemo. I knew I was going to have those body aches for the next four days, so of course I was still going to be in pain for another holiday, July 24th. I always had the worst luck on the holidays, so what else happened on that day? My feeding tube got clogged. I had only had it in for less than two weeks. I had to go hungry for another holiday. As usual, I heard the fireworks outside and saw Ashes run and hide, while I was stuck inside hungry, tired, and in pain.

One Hell of a Night

I am making another post today for the reason that I have to distract my mind for the things that are bothering me at the moment. It's not the best subject to talk about, but might as well write.
My last day of having chemo on my third cycle, I started getting an allergic reaction. My mom looked at me and asked if I was okay, because she started to notice blotches on my pale skin. The nurse had me lift up my shirt to show my stomach and it was blotchy. They stopped my chemo from continuing, and had the doctor tell them what they should do. They gave me the evil substance of benadryl to help. The doctor wanted to finish my chemo since it was almost gone anyhow. Benadryl is awful, you feel tired but even when you take a nap you still feel awful and even more exhausted.
After having my third chemo cycle the next day on June 29th I had to have a shot to get my blood counts up faster than last time. Now, these shots don't hurt when going into my body. I've never really had a needle phobia, but I freak out if I can't watch it go into my body, it may be because I'm not a huge fan of surprises. Whenever an adult is to get a shot or even pricked for an IV the nurse counts to three to tell them when they are going to be "stabed", but I am a visual learner so no, it's not okay with me. I have to watch what the nurses are going to do to me. Anyway, about this shot, it starts to take effect probably a couple hours later. It makes your body feel stiff and sore to the extreme. We all know what it's like to feel sore from a good work out, well this shot makes you feel like that X100 worse.
I had to get help to get out of a chair because it hurt so bad. When I walked I wasn't able to pick up my feet, instead I slid them on the floor taking small babysteps. The only time I decided to move was when I had to go to the bathroom. It made it impossible to sleep because everytime I would even turn my head, my body would ache. It would finally go away after a few days, but that on top of every other pain I had was too much to bare. I had no choice but to keep going, I was getting discouraged with all the pain and everything I was expected to do. All I thought was that all this pain better be worth it!
July fourth was the first holiday I had to miss out on, all my neighbors and friends were out celebrating Independence day with fireworks, BBQ's, and as much watermelon as you could eat. Me? I was inside watching TV with my parents listening to fireworks go off and watching my dog ashes run to my parents closet to hide. That night I was hoping to be able to at least go outside and see some fireworks, but I was feeling so sick I couldn't even handle that.
On July 5th I had an appointment with my doctor and I remember this day most vividly out of any day going through cancer. They took my blood to see my blood count and when I was talking with my doctor he wanted me to go to the hospital to get another blood transfusion, but for me to do it right away he wanted me to stay over night. I was furious, there was no way I was going to stay the night there, I wouldn't have it. In fact I told the doctor no, he tried to reason with me and I was so set on going home after this appointment. I was so sick of hospitals by now that I just couldn't handle staying there with bad service and well staying the night at the hospital. Somehow he convinced me to go, but I remember how emotional my thoughts were I wanted so badly to punch this man in the face for making me go. At that moment I truly hated him for doing this to me. It was never his fault and he was only doing this to help me but at the time I wanted to believe he was just laughing in my face and tormenting me. When he left I cried for a few minutes and my mom and I walked out and went to the hospital like the doctor told us to.
When we got to the hospital I was really wanting my pain medicine the pain was tremendous! The nurse took away all my medicine I came with and asked for all my medical history just dragging on my pain. Her shift was over and we got a new nurse, this girl was young and obviously newer. She always needed some help from other trained nurses on how to give me my blood transfusion. They wouldn't even get me started till very late. It was a whole waiting game. Before they would give me my blood tranfusion they had to get a blood culture so they needed two sources of my blood. They had a hard time finding a good vein to get anything, I was pricked four times before they found one.
My left side of my face by that day was pretty swollen and I couldn't even see through my left eye. They were worried about it and wanted to get me into a CT scan to make sure everything was okay. It was getting later and later at night. At one point I went to go to the bathroom and suddenly I was hacking and wheezing and I accidently swallowed some of my saliva, which resulted in me having to puke and puke for a while. While I was in the bathroom puking people had come in with a wheelchair to get me to take me to the room to get my CT scan done at around 1:30 AM. They waited for me until I finally was able to come out. When we reached the CT room I was very nervous because if I layed back I was sure I would swallow more saliva and was going to puke all over myself in the middle of the scan. I was breathing really heavy when I got there. They were trying to get a good vein so they could give me the syrum. They couldn't do it on either of my arms. They wanted me to wait outside while they called their supervisor, who was someone they said can always get the vein on the first time. If that was true, why didn't they do that a while ago? They pricked me nine times before they found a good vein. while we waited I broke down, it was the darkest time of my life. At that moment I was in severe pain, I was very discouraged, sad, mad, and broken. I wanted everything to just be over I wanted normality! I remember talking about what Hell I was going through with my mom those few minutes. I was desperate for my medicine and wanted this moment to be over already. I finally got through my CT scan and got back to my room and eventually got my pain medicine and was able to breathe again. Around an hour later they started my blood transfusion through out the night. It was the longest night, I didn't get any sleep with them coming in to bug me almost every fifteen minutes. I was never so happy to be home when they released me. I will never forget that night.