Crazy Fascinations

I just wanted to share a little of what it was like on a feeding tube, I was recieving liquid food from a tube that attatched to a bag that attatched to a pole. Everytime I wanted to go to the bathroom I would have to drag that pole with me, when I had long chemo visits I would bring a special backpack to put it in to substitute the pole. But when I was going through chemo I was still stuck on a pole anyhow. If I had the energy or someone by my side I would just ask them to unplug me from my feeding while I went to the bathroom.
When your on a feeding tube you'd think that your stomach would feel satisfied, like you never craved food because you were neither hungry nor full but just satisfied. That is not the case with feeding tubes, you are always hungry, but when your feeding tube is clogged and you have no source of food at all your body is truly starving. Starving is to be deprived of nourishment, that is all my food consisted of. Those time my feeding tube was clogged my stomach never growled, it just gave me pain and many cravings for any kind of food. Even when I was on my feeding tube I would watch TV and 90% of commercials consist of some advertisement of food! Some days I would torture myself by watching shows like "Man Vs Food". It was very frustrating not being able to eat real food, I had no taste buds that even when I did try food it's not like I could actually taste it.
So back to when I first had Nachos, they were in truth a little piece of heaven, but it was cut too short when I fell asleep. The next day my feeding tube clogged, I decided for myself that I was NOT going to have another feeding tube replaced I was done! The only problem was that the hospital wouldn't take me to get it taken out( I can't remember the reason) So my mom called a doctor to ask if she could do it. This really scared me because I was thinking you need to know how to pull something out of someone's body, right? My mom is a very smart and wise person, but she isn't a doctor. I love her, but I was very hesitant. So when the doctor told her that anyone could do it, I freaked!
I finally got over the fact that my mom was going to pull it out and wanted to get this over with. My sister Jamie was with us and was very excited to witness this, actually she kinda wished she had done it. I layed flat waiting for it to get pulled when I had a bad urge to once again puke. earlier that day I decided to try and eat licorice and well after that puking, twizzlers have not sounded good since.
I decided that it would be better if I sat up when it was being pulled out, so here I am freaking out that I will puke again, my mom is sliding the tube out of my nostril and I see Jamie's face crazy with fascination.
Once it was out, I felt so relieved and worry free. I'll never forget when Jamie told me she was bummed that she didn't take any pictures or a video. Now that the feeding tube was out I had the responsibility to take care of my eating habits. If I didn't get my weight up soon I might have to be back on the feeding tube, which is my last resort, actually that's a lie I think I rather have a feeding tube then have another ensure or instant breakfeast. I started off slowly by eating things like chicken noodle soup(heated), baked potatoes, and french fries. I was still having trouble swallowing and tasting things, but atleast I did well with these. During this time my mom always told me that if I ever had a craving or something I wanted to eat that she would go and get it for me, because the more I ate the better. It was important to get my weight up ,after having my feeding tube out I lost another couple of pounds that I couldn't afford to lose, but I was once again struggling get that weight back on my own, but I was very determined to do it on my own without the feeding tube. It was a risky gamble for my body but in the end it turned out to be successful.