The Last Bell

On July 12th, Once again I had to replace my feeding tube. Another terrible experience. On July 17th I was on my last cycle of chemo. I decided I should do something I don't usually do. I decided on my last treatment on the 19th I would wear my wig. I got my wig a couple days after my first chemo treatment. That day I was feeling really sick as usual and when I was trying on my wigs I just wanted to go pass out. I hurried through trying on a few wigs and decided on one and left. I tried wearing it a few times, but honestly I hated wearing the wig. It was hot, itchy, and always in my face. I could care less about the wig. So instead of always wearing my wig I decided to show off my bald head. It really wasn't bad since not very many people saw me all the time, and I never looked at myself in the mirror because I was in too much pain to even crane my neck up and hold up my head, I always looked down.

So back to my last chemo cycle, I wasn't very strong but I did feel a bit of motivation to wear my wig and look a little decent. With that motivation I wanted to try eating little at a time. When I last tried grape juice it had no flavor. I knew that my radiation would destroy my taste buds for a while, but I had been off of radiation for a month now so maybe I could try something again. My mom let me have some of her chocolate ice cream, I could taste something but it was so rich and too sweet for me to eat.

That week my mom also gave me a present that was incredibly generous. During my treatments I didn't have a lot to do so I would sleep, check my phone, or have a conversation with my mom even though half the time I couldn't speak. She gave me a coloring book and crayola crayons. It gave me something to do and it was so simple to distract me from everything for a few minutes. It was something to relax me and gave me something else to think about.

That week I also had a couple of my eye appointments to figure out what to do about my eye that I couldn't seem to really open. I only had about five eyelashes on my top eyelid on my left eye. My doctor wasn't sure what was wrong with the eye so for precaution he plucked my last five eyelashes. It sure hurt, but I was also crushed cause those eyelashes were survivors and now they were gone. It would take forever to get my eyelashes back. He gave me some eyedrops to take eventually my eye started to get better.

July 20th I finally got to ring my chemo bell after having my shot from chemo. I knew I was going to have those body aches for the next four days, so of course I was still going to be in pain for another holiday, July 24th. I always had the worst luck on the holidays, so what else happened on that day? My feeding tube got clogged. I had only had it in for less than two weeks. I had to go hungry for another holiday. As usual, I heard the fireworks outside and saw Ashes run and hide, while I was stuck inside hungry, tired, and in pain.

One Hell of a Night

I am making another post today for the reason that I have to distract my mind for the things that are bothering me at the moment. It's not the best subject to talk about, but might as well write.
My last day of having chemo on my third cycle, I started getting an allergic reaction. My mom looked at me and asked if I was okay, because she started to notice blotches on my pale skin. The nurse had me lift up my shirt to show my stomach and it was blotchy. They stopped my chemo from continuing, and had the doctor tell them what they should do. They gave me the evil substance of benadryl to help. The doctor wanted to finish my chemo since it was almost gone anyhow. Benadryl is awful, you feel tired but even when you take a nap you still feel awful and even more exhausted.
After having my third chemo cycle the next day on June 29th I had to have a shot to get my blood counts up faster than last time. Now, these shots don't hurt when going into my body. I've never really had a needle phobia, but I freak out if I can't watch it go into my body, it may be because I'm not a huge fan of surprises. Whenever an adult is to get a shot or even pricked for an IV the nurse counts to three to tell them when they are going to be "stabed", but I am a visual learner so no, it's not okay with me. I have to watch what the nurses are going to do to me. Anyway, about this shot, it starts to take effect probably a couple hours later. It makes your body feel stiff and sore to the extreme. We all know what it's like to feel sore from a good work out, well this shot makes you feel like that X100 worse.
I had to get help to get out of a chair because it hurt so bad. When I walked I wasn't able to pick up my feet, instead I slid them on the floor taking small babysteps. The only time I decided to move was when I had to go to the bathroom. It made it impossible to sleep because everytime I would even turn my head, my body would ache. It would finally go away after a few days, but that on top of every other pain I had was too much to bare. I had no choice but to keep going, I was getting discouraged with all the pain and everything I was expected to do. All I thought was that all this pain better be worth it!
July fourth was the first holiday I had to miss out on, all my neighbors and friends were out celebrating Independence day with fireworks, BBQ's, and as much watermelon as you could eat. Me? I was inside watching TV with my parents listening to fireworks go off and watching my dog ashes run to my parents closet to hide. That night I was hoping to be able to at least go outside and see some fireworks, but I was feeling so sick I couldn't even handle that.
On July 5th I had an appointment with my doctor and I remember this day most vividly out of any day going through cancer. They took my blood to see my blood count and when I was talking with my doctor he wanted me to go to the hospital to get another blood transfusion, but for me to do it right away he wanted me to stay over night. I was furious, there was no way I was going to stay the night there, I wouldn't have it. In fact I told the doctor no, he tried to reason with me and I was so set on going home after this appointment. I was so sick of hospitals by now that I just couldn't handle staying there with bad service and well staying the night at the hospital. Somehow he convinced me to go, but I remember how emotional my thoughts were I wanted so badly to punch this man in the face for making me go. At that moment I truly hated him for doing this to me. It was never his fault and he was only doing this to help me but at the time I wanted to believe he was just laughing in my face and tormenting me. When he left I cried for a few minutes and my mom and I walked out and went to the hospital like the doctor told us to.
When we got to the hospital I was really wanting my pain medicine the pain was tremendous! The nurse took away all my medicine I came with and asked for all my medical history just dragging on my pain. Her shift was over and we got a new nurse, this girl was young and obviously newer. She always needed some help from other trained nurses on how to give me my blood transfusion. They wouldn't even get me started till very late. It was a whole waiting game. Before they would give me my blood tranfusion they had to get a blood culture so they needed two sources of my blood. They had a hard time finding a good vein to get anything, I was pricked four times before they found one.
My left side of my face by that day was pretty swollen and I couldn't even see through my left eye. They were worried about it and wanted to get me into a CT scan to make sure everything was okay. It was getting later and later at night. At one point I went to go to the bathroom and suddenly I was hacking and wheezing and I accidently swallowed some of my saliva, which resulted in me having to puke and puke for a while. While I was in the bathroom puking people had come in with a wheelchair to get me to take me to the room to get my CT scan done at around 1:30 AM. They waited for me until I finally was able to come out. When we reached the CT room I was very nervous because if I layed back I was sure I would swallow more saliva and was going to puke all over myself in the middle of the scan. I was breathing really heavy when I got there. They were trying to get a good vein so they could give me the syrum. They couldn't do it on either of my arms. They wanted me to wait outside while they called their supervisor, who was someone they said can always get the vein on the first time. If that was true, why didn't they do that a while ago? They pricked me nine times before they found a good vein. while we waited I broke down, it was the darkest time of my life. At that moment I was in severe pain, I was very discouraged, sad, mad, and broken. I wanted everything to just be over I wanted normality! I remember talking about what Hell I was going through with my mom those few minutes. I was desperate for my medicine and wanted this moment to be over already. I finally got through my CT scan and got back to my room and eventually got my pain medicine and was able to breathe again. Around an hour later they started my blood transfusion through out the night. It was the longest night, I didn't get any sleep with them coming in to bug me almost every fifteen minutes. I was never so happy to be home when they released me. I will never forget that night.

Chemo Brain

It seemed as if everything was getting worse and I couldn't seem to catch a break, until I looked at the calendar. I was looking forward to June 22nd, which was my last day of radiation. When my sister took me to my appointment, I waited to take my medicine thinking it would be better to take it when we got there. Since I hadn't taken my medicine yet I was in pain and couldn't wait to take my medicine and finish this! When we got there, my sister tried to get my medicine through my feeding tube but it wasn't working. We tried and tried and it was just splashing everwhere, I was beginning to panic. I needed the medicine to get through this treatment not to mention the pain I was in.
We asked for some help from the nurses, they told me a trick of putting coca cola through my feeding tube to break apart what was clogging it. they also tried and tried and not even the coca cola was working. I had to replace my feeding tube, but I had no time before my treatment. I did not want to replace my feeding tube it was a horrible experience and I never wanted to do it again, I was afraid. By the time I calmed down I went in to do my last radiation treatment. As soon as I was in the mask I freaked out and started feeling really sick, how was I supposed to make it through this? Even fifteen minutes was going to be too long. Before they snapped me in I asked for them to take it off I needed to breathe and puke. They ran for the garbage can and I puked. I had to calm down again and finish this, my determination to finish was all I could think about then and I finally did it. I was still crying but I walked out and ran that bell! There is a bell that people can ring to say that they have finished radiation or there is a bell to ring if you have finished chemo. When I rang the bell I was also given some sparkling cider and a paper telling me I completed my radiation.
After I  finished I had to hurry over to the hospital to replace my feeding tube. Of course it was rough to get the next one as well, this time they told me that feeding tubes usually last three to four weeks, so really I would have no choice but to get a new feeding tube anyhow. The woman who did this feeding tube did it really fast, but put my new feeding tube in my left nostril this time, my left side of my nose was still tender and I was a bit unhappy about that. I still had my feeding tube in my right nostril when she started put my new feeding tube in, so of course I couldn't really breathe not to mention all my gagging again. When she attatched the feeding tube she finally took my old feeding tube out and I was on my way to go home.
My next chemo cycle was June 26th and something that many people don't understand unless you have chemo is chemo brain. Sometimes when I got chemo I would say things I don't remember. For example i had texted my friend Ashley that we should have a disney movie marathon. She had texted me back and she was coming over that night to come and watch the movies with me, but when she came over I don't remember any of that conversation but I was glad she was there. We watched one movie and the next one we started I fell asleep and she went home. I felt so bad that I had made plans that I didn't remember, but I felt worse that I fell asleep! I had many experiences like this through all my chemo. Drugs really make you do weird things, but this chemo brain made me stupid. Even to this day it affects me, I feel dumber than when I started highschool.

Family Support

As you now know, my hair was falling out and I was in a serious need of a shave. Let me start off by telling a little story. A few years back my sister Jamie was wanting to shave her head, but she wanted me to do it with her. Crazy right? Well if you know my sister that is just her personality. I never wanted to shave my head with her. I would complain about my hair to her and she would just say "then shave it!" I was wanting to grow my hair out longer and shaving my hair... well that wasn't going to happen. When I discovered that I was going to have chemo and lose my hair she wanted to shave her head as well in support, but she is married now and her husband said she can only do that if she shaved her baby boy's beautiful hair. So that wasn't going to happen. Later on she decided she was going to cut her hair and donate it to locks of love. My brothers Dallin and Jacob were also willing to shave their heads with me as well.

As I was going through more and more treatments it was getting harder on my throat, that even I had a hard time talking. I soon gave up swallowing other then small sips of  ice water. Everytime I would swallow my own saliva I would puke. I had to take medicine right before I went to my radiation appointments. Each day was harder for me to breathe, especially when they would snap me in the mask. I wasn't someone that would get very

claustrophobic , but now I am. Each and every day I was getting more sick, more tired, more pained. All my side effects were coming so fast and intense. My mouth was dry, my nose was dry, I was strating to swell. Things were not getting any easier, just getting worse. Jamie was taking me to my radiation appointments almost everyday. Those days I couldn't talk she knew and wanted to keep a conversation none the less and just talked to keep me upbeat, which I was very thankful for. Every morning someone from my ward would "babysit" me to make sure I was okay incase of an emergency. Then in the afternoon Jamie would come over with her son Tyler. The only things I really laughed at during these trying weeks were that little boy and watching The Ellen Degeneres show.

I was in so much pain in my throat that I was using hydrocodone every four hours! Even through the night I would text my mom to wake up and give me my medicine to stop the pain. Since I couldn't swallow I was given my liquid medicine through my feeding tube. Every hour I was in pain It felt like days of torment. I had my next chemo cycle on June 5th. When your going through chemo you tend to get really cold, so they always have warm blankets there, and when liquid keeps going through your body you always have to pee! Sometimes I had to wait for the bathroom.

I will never forget those people I met during chemo. There was one elderly lady who was the sweetest to me, always talked to me and was very sincere. When she finished with her chemo she gave me a bag load of hats to wear if I wanted. She also kept my spirits up. Though I mostly slept when I getting chemo. A week after my chemo I was getting worse with my blood counts, my doctor insisted I have an iron infusion as well as a blood transfusion. My mom was against me getting a blood transfusion for as long as possible, but my doctors were almost begging me to get it so we gave in. On June 13th I had my iron infusion, it looked like having automobile oil going into my body.

On the 14th I had my first blood transfusion at St. Marks hospital. The nurse that was working with me didn't look like she knew what she was doing, she didn't even know how to use a feeding tube so I could recieve my medicine. In fact, my mom gave me the medicine instead of her. All my life I thought my blood type was A negative but it was actually O negative. That day I didn't have anytime to get to my radiation treatment so I missed one day which prolonged the more days I would have to deal with it.

My Week at the Hospital

I wanted to tell you a little bit more about what it was like to have a feeding tube. Doctors keep you awake when you have it put in, they try to numb your nose but it really doesn't do anything. The first man to give me my feeding tube asked me why I needed it, then explained that he knows what it's like to have a feeding tube. He had one when he got in a terrible automobile accident. I thought he was very easy to talk to, until he told me that having a feeding tube takes a lot more work than you think. He told me up front that it's not going to be easy to get in my stomach for the first time. He slid the tube through my right nostril which hurt at first then got worse. It was going down further then he told me to try and swallow to try and push it. The farther he went down and the longer he was taking the more I gagged and puked over myself. Finally, they decided to tilt my body since they were having trouble. It seemed like forever until it was over. I was able to clean myself up and be on my way. I never wanted to do that again, it was almost worse than surgery.

The people who delivered my delicious meals (Cans of jevity) told me that if I didn't want my meals coming back up then I couldn't lay back for very long. So when I slept, I couldn't sleep in my nice bed. I slept on my reclining chair at home until the day I had my feeding tube taken out for good. At first it was really easy, but it got really hard to sleep day after day in the reclining chair.

On May 26th I started getting a high fever, I tried taking some medicine to get rid of it but it still came back. My parents started to panic, when I had my chemo class and when we talked to my doctors they always told me to call in if I ever got a fever. We called  saturday night late around 10:00 PM, and they told me to go to the ER. I never thought my illness would get this bad that I would have to be sent to the ER, but here I was waiting till almost 1:00 AM to get a room.

I was enclosed in a "special" room where any nurse or anyone that visited me had to wear a mask for my health. They told me I had to spend the night, then I was spending two night, which turned into four nights staying at the hospital. I was only released for a limited time to get my radiation done. That's not exactly something I would like to be released for. They didn't keep me in the hospital because I had a fever, but because my white blood count was zero. They finally decided to give me a shot that would give me a boost, and it worked! I was FINALLY released on May 31st. I have never been so happy to get home!

Let me back track just a little, before I was able to go home. On the 28th it was late at night when I got a big surprise. I was sweating with all the blankets I had on me, when I was itching my head I caught a big handful of my hair from the back of my head. It was really bothering me having it on my head when it was so loose. My mom was observing, when I was grabbing more and more hair from my head. I couldn't believe how much hair I had, this hair was really bothering me and I had to get it off me! My mom told me to stop yanking my hair out, but I couldn't stop it was bothering my head. It itched and was so sweaty I wanted it off my head. I laughed at her and we took pictures and videos and sent them to my family, I even posted a picture on facebook. My sister told me that when I get out of the hospital, she would shave my head for me since it was bothering me so much. I was anxious for that day to come, which was another reason why I was so happy to get home.

First Experiences

My birthday is May 8th, I worked my last day before my six month leave from work. At my house we usually have cake and ice cream with my family. I told my parents I wanted brownies this year only because I know my family can eat those up pretty fast and I wasn't really much of an eater ever since I had my surgery. I was very surprised when my friends Ashley, Nicollette, and Aaron came over to give me birthday gifts. These gifts weren't the usual gifts either, they were all something that described me. Aaron came over to give me a bucket of cookie dough and a book light, Nicollette came over and gave me a book she had told me about and I wanted to read, and Ashley came over with some batman balloons and... a life size Captain America. Let me tell you, I love Captain America mostly because of the movie and yes his body.
The next day was my dry run for radiation, this is where they explained how it would go and did everything other than give me the radiation treatment. I would start that the 10th. On the 10th I also had my port surgery in the morning. I was exceptionally nervous for this surgery because my last surgery was hard to cope with. Will it be painful? Will I be able to do my radiation treatment today if I just had surgery? Apparently they weren't going to really "knock me out", but I would be awake. Awake during surgery? yes, awake. They promised I wouldn't feel anything although someone warned me that the first thing I would feel is like a painful bee sting. That actually got me nervous since I didn't want any pain. I started to panic while I was lying flat while they prepped me. The people there were very funny and nice and they had some good music playing and even asked me what my favorite station was on pandora and played it for me. They asked me questions of my future and were very optomistic even though they knew that I was getting this port because I had cancer.
I was still not relaxed, if anything I was just getting more nervous. They told me that they were going to start and the next thing I knew I was feeling very dizzy and closed my eyes. I woke up in the recovery room feeling really good being drugged. When I got up I got really dizzy and once again nauseated. I just can't have a surgery without getting sick.
Later in the afternoon I had my first radiation treatment. It was an easy first day of radiation since I was drugged up and all. When they put the mask on me, they had to snap it to the board, keeping me locked in. The mask was so incredibly tight that I could barely breathe. During the whole fifteen minute process I looked at one small light on the ceiling to keep myself from having a panic attack. Though the worst part of it was the smell, now normally people can't smell the "radiation" but I could and it always made me sick. I think I could calm myself from being held down by a tight mask, but that smell was excruciatingly painful to sit through. After each treatment when I got out of the mask it would leave marks on my face. My sister and mom said it looked like I had "snake skin".

I continued my radiation treatments everyday, on the 15th I started my chemotherapy. The first day of each chemo cycle was the longest because I had three poison IV's going through my body, the next two days of that week I would only have two. While I had the chemo going I had radiation at the same time. Within two weeks I could tell my body was reacting to the many treatments. I started having saliva issues. My saliva started to thicken, and my taste buds were starting to dissolve.

I had been having problems eating since my last big surgery. I was told to keep drinking ensures, they are so disgusting I never want to drink one again unless I have to, but they did help my weight. Until I decided to stop drinking them cause I couldn't handle the taste any more. My weight kept decreasing and I got down to 93 pounds. It was either get a feeding tube to get my nutrients or not and force myself to eat through the pain and feeling nauseated. I decided for myself that the best thing for me was to get a feeding tube. My doctor, parents, and other family had used that as a weapon to get me to eat. I knew I didn't have much of a choice, but I decided for myself that I would get a feeding tube. If something could help me feel better this was it. I had a blood check on the 24th and they told me that my blood count was really low, my white blood count was at zero. The next day I was scheduled to get my feeding tube in the morning.

I have a terrible gag reflex, so when I got my feeding tube in, it was painful, exhausting, and traumatic. During this whole experience, having to get a feeding tube was one of the hardest things for me to do.

Baldness Can Be Beautiful

When I was diagnosed with cancer after my family heard, I heard from different sources of what people were saying about me. At one point I heard someone asking for people to pray for me, because I didn't know how much longer I would live. Let me clear the air by saying I was diagnosed with cancer but I did not recieve a death sentence. No doctor ever even told me when I would die, they just told me how high my success rate was.
One point I was telling a good friend what was going on in my life and he totally overreacted by instantly asking me if it was deadly. Sure any cancer can be deadly, but I wasn't going to die. I am willing to fight this, I won't go down without a fight. No one in my family ever believed I was going to die just that I was going to suffer for a while.
During my process before any surgery I had or any small battle I was trying to face with all my treatments I recieved a priesthood blessing from my brothers and Dad. To this day I am very thankful and still encourage it before I complete any scans. Those blessings gave me comfort and courage to keep going even when I was tired, I do believe with all the prayers I was given I recieved hidden miracles.
The next time I went to see my Doctor he told me that I was still to do my radiation treatments and some bad news had come in also. He had removed four tumors instead of three. The huge one in my sinus cavatiy, the one in front of my ear, and instead of one in my neck he found two. These two tumors in my neck were pretty close to eachother to make my lump on my neck pretty large. In between the two tumors was a nerve connecting to my shoulder, thankfully they were two instead of one, because if it was one he would have to cut that nerve and I would have to do physical therapy with my shoulder. Obviously that wasn't the bad news, he went on to explain that he found out that the cancer in my neck was very invasive and aggressive. He wanted me to do chemotherapy now. Before he wasn't worried about me having chemo, now I wouldn't have a choice. He tried to seem very positive about it when he told me that the certian chemo I would get I shouldn't lose my hair. So he reffered me to a place called Utah Cancer Center, Where I would get my treatments and would have a radiation doctor and an oncologist for my chemo. On April 25th I had my consultation with my radiation doctor.
Dr. Avizonis was my radiation doctor and I must say she was an excellent one at that. She was very upbeat but also knows boundaries. When I came in to see her for the very first time I had only been healing for over a week from my surgery. She wanted to check to see how well I was healing but she could instantly tell I was still tender and very uncomfortable with it at that point. She continued to talk to me about the many side effects of radiation and I was scheduled to have it for six weeks, every day from monday to friday at an appointed time for about fifteen minutes. fifteen minutes? I was very happy to hear that the whole process only would take fifteen minutes a day.

She then asked me to make my face mask that day that I would wear in the room everyday for my treatments. A mask? Indeed they made a mask for my head and neck. They put a really hot, almost a blanket across my face and started sculpting it to my face, it slowly started cooling down. She then wanted to make sure I had this sponge in my mouth with a popsicle stick so that my tongue would not hit the roof of my mouth. She was trying to do as less damage as she could, which I am very thankful for.

The day before I would start they wanted me to come for a dry run. They scheduled me for May 9th, the day after my birthday. Later on I had a consultation with my onclogist, Dr. Harker. He seemed at first a very serious guy, which of course you have to be if your a cancer doctor... When he told me his plans of chemo he warned me I would lose my hair. "WHAT?" I told him that Dr. Hunter told me I wouldn't lose my hair. Now Dr. Harker was telling me I would. The news just keeps getting worse and worse. He also told me there was a chance that the chemo would make me infertile. Great... I'm loving all this new information. I was scheduled to have chemo for three continuous days every three weeks, then told me even more side effects.

On May 10th he scheduled me to have a port surgery, incase you don't know what that is, it is so I wouldn't have to get pricked for an IV all the time. When your exceptionally sick it is very difficult to find a vein and the port is connected to a main vein in your chest. The chemo I was getting was given to me through an IV so I was in need of the port before I started Chemo on May 15th.

If Only a Nurse Knew I Needed to Pee

Dr. Hunter was very serious about his work, he was determined to get rid of my cancer and keep it away. Now, I really appreciated what he was doing for me and he was a very good doctor, but I won't lie, he scared me! It's not his personality that scared me it was all the information he was giving me. In truth, all doctors have to give you all the information you need to know what you are getting yourself into. I thought my cancer was a bit easy to get rid of, comparing to other cancers of course.
Then he mentioned about how it could possibly enter my brain and that statement got me shivering with fright. If any cancer got through to my brain I would consider myself dead. I am absolutely thrilled we caught it when we did, because it would eventually spread to my brain anyhow.
His plan was to get some more scans done to make sure it had not spread anywhere else then to proceed to the next plan. He was very optimistic that I would only need to have radiation treatments.
I had my scans done for the the next week and had talked to my doctor again on April 2nd. He said that my cancer had not spread which is fantastic news! My surgery was to be held on April 10th, a week from my appointment. All this scheduling was going so fast, but it was a growing cancer so the sooner to have it out the better.

The morning before my surgery I was just anxious to get it done. I was thinking that my biopsy was very easy and that this surgery was going to be the same. I wasn't to go into surgery for at least 3:00 PM and I wasn't supposed to eat or drink anything before. When you are told you can't eat or drink anything it makes you want it even more. I felt I was dying just waiting for this to be over with! They finally took me into the operating room at 3:57 and the surgery lasted until 9:59. My parents told me later that I didn't get into my room until at least 11:00 or midnight.

During the night I was very out of it. I remember hearing people come in and out of my room during the night checking on things like my temperature. Later in the morning I was left alone and I woke at around 6:00 AM having to really use the bathroom. I have never wanted to pee so bad in my life. I was stuck with all these wires on me and couldn't really move. My left side of my face was numb, cold and felt huge. I was afraid to move anywhere. How was I going to get to the bathroom while being connected like this? There was no way, I had no strength. That's when I started to panic, I looked for a button to get some help but couldn't find it anywhere! I tried to yell but my voice was so hoarse and I could barely hear myself. This was so aggravating, how was anyone supposed to help me if they can't hear me? I was trying to scream for almost five minutes. That's when I started to really panic, I even started crying cause I really REALLY had to pee! Finally some young blonde nurse came into the room and asked what was going on. She asked me why I didn't use my button that was on my left side. She was annoyed that I wasn't using my button? Really? Why was the button left on the left side when I just had a huge surgery on that side of my freaking face? of course I'm not going to look there! don't give me an attitude about your stupidity. I screamed as loud as I could that, "I have to pee!" She almost looked like she was rolling her eyes at me and explained to me that I have a catheter in. Ok, I may have a catheter in... "So explain to me why I had to pee so bad?" I told her that it's not doing it's job and I had to go ASAP. I don't think I would lie about having to pee. 

Finally she got some one in to fix the catheter for me. I was already starting to hate this St. Marks hospital. My parents came in an hour after that, and felt so bad for leaving me here alone with no real help. From then on my mom has always stayed overnight with me to make sure I get help when I need it. Through out the whole day I was miserable, I couldn't open my mouth very wide ate all and I was continually nauseated. Everyone was trying to get me to eat anything, but I had no strength to do it. Not that my stomach was feeling for it as well. Since I wasn't eating enough, the doctor told me I had to stay another night. Now the doctor was on my bad side. I was so upset that they wouldn't let me leave. I also asked him if the numbness will go away. In all honesty, he did warn me that he would cut some nerves and I would be numb on the side. He reminded me that I will alway be numb from now on. It broke my heart, I felt even more fat faced when an average person would go to the dentist and got numb. This would never go away? I was so determined that I was going to be a freak the rest of my life. No guy would ever want to kiss a lopsided face like mine. I couldn't even smile! This is permanent? I was in shock for weeks. Many people don't truly understand what personal image is to us girls. From when we are young we believe it is the only way for a man to notice us.

Now, I am not shallow and I never have worn a lot of make up or have ever wanted plastic surgery. I believe I have to work with what God gave me, but when what God gave me was even taken away from me I felt abandoned. I felt I didn't even have a real personality to begin with and the little looks that I did have were taken from me. I never believed I was an ultimate beauty queen or even a possible model, but at least I was noticed from guys. Now? now, I will be mocked. I truly believed all of this. I'll tell you this now, I thought like I was showing all that I felt, not what I really saw. If you looked at me I wasn't all that different other than my scars, but I didn't look at myself so when I though my face was fat it wasn't. When I thought my face was deformed it really wasn't.

I was very depressed stuck in the hospital. During the night I puked after trying to take some pain medicine. I wasn't actually in a lot of pain during my stay at the hospital. I was very relieved and excited to finally go home the next day. On saturday I had to go back to my doctor and get my drain removed. I was a little nervous about a long tube coming out of my neck and I was right to be nervous.  When my doctor took it out it felt like a rough rope slicing through my neck going the wrong way. He did it so fast that he finished it before I could scream from the pain. That drain coming out hurt almost all night. I could tell this doctor was not my favorite, it wasn't his fault, I just never had any good experiences when talking with him he either gave me pain or false hope.

I was having a real difficult time eating anything or wanting to take my pain medicine that I got in frequent fights with my parents over it. My sister came over to talk to me to see if she could persuade me to take my medicine so I could eat. But she also told me it was up to me if I wanted to really fight for my life, I could starve myself or I could try to get better by eating. It was true I didn't have much of a choice I needed to get myself together again. I tried to eat as much as I could, but in the end I had lost ten pounds since before my surgery. On April 19th I got my staples and stitches removed and had to take time to heal before I had to go to my radiation consultation with Dr. Avizonis.

A Scholarship Opportunity

My family, doctor, and I were anxious to know my results on my CT scan from friday. On monday we had a serious talk with my doctor. My doctor wanted to show my mom and I what it looked like, but really we were clueless since we didn't really know what we were looking at. He showed us how on both sides of my nose is my sinus cavities, one showed darker than the other. He explained that on my left sinus it was full and dark and well... that's not a good thing. After giving me a needle biopsy,

he wanted me to go into surgery for my biopsy as soon as possible which happened to be on March 14th two days after that appointment. I was a bit nervous for my first real surgery. We waited for a long while and let me tell you the attire really isn't much and uncomfortable, but the socks were warm! I joked with my parents while we waited I said "Hey, maybe if it's cancer I could atleast get a scholarship!" They laughed, but they told me not to joke like that cause what if? Well, I already assumed it was and was trying to make conversation. There are many victims that are very sensitive about the subject, but for me I like to joke about it around others. I won't make fun of anyone else's cancer but me it helps get over the pain that still lingers.

When I woke up from my almost three hour surgery I was feeling really good, but barely able to open my eyes. Whoever was taking care of me at the time, had me in a separate room with a oxygen mask on my mouth (that was pretty cool). Before I really woke up I remember hearing a bunch of women gossiping, then they realized I was opening my eyes and supposedly wheeled me out, but I truly don't remember moving anywhere. I was starting to feel a little nauseated and asked for a bucket, but mom and dad came in and told me it would be better if we got home right away. I didn't want to go anywhere I was feeling sick and didn't want to puke on anybody's shoes!
They let me sit for a while and urged me to eat a cracker I ate two bird bites and couldn't seem to get it down, I had help getting dressed and my parents wheeled me out, while I puked in a bag. On the ride home I got a bit dizzy and even more sick so I puked once again. Finally when I got home and fell on my bed utterly exhausted, and yes I did puke again. I slept very little becuase I felt too sick to even sleep. I remember my friend and co-worker Chris had come over and gave me some flowers, Cheeze-its, and a funny shirt. I really did't care what I looked like which was of course was a mess, but he was a saint to come over.
Later that night my mom tried to get me to eat almost anything, but I couldn't get anything down before puking my guts out. I gave up and tried to sleep again. The next morning was rough to get me ready to go back to the doctors to get my drain removed. That was a relief to have out of my body. The rest of the week I relaxed and ate all kinds of food. The following week I had my wound check and was doing really well.
On the March 22nd I got my stitches out finally and my doctor gave me another serious talk. By talk I mean "The" talk where the doctor tells you that you indeed have cancer. I was expecting it, my mom started crying and the doctor looked at me again and asked "Do you understand what I just told you?" of course I understood, I knew the news was coming sooner or later so at that moment it really didn't phase me. He told me it was called Neuroendocrine Carcinoma. I thought to myself,"Okay, I have cancer I am going to be one of those people who can handle it and come out stronger than ever". That afternoon I told my family, they were all a bit shocked and yet I wasn't. I was the one that had it together from hearing the news. I knew they had felt bad for me, but I felt worse that they felt that bad.
March 23rd, I saw my specialized doctor to go over my future plans to fight my cancer.
Dr. Hunter was a nice older man, but I was a bit nervous about his plans.

First Scare

My first doctor visit was on February 24th to see Dr. Nelsen at Jordan Valley. I wanted my mom to come with me to this visit because I knew from the start I needed some support since I didn't know what was happening.
While we waited my mom was telling me her high hopes of the future how now since my brother Dallin came home from serving an LDS mission in Chile, that she can start saving up money for my parents to go on their trip to Hawaii. They have been wanting to go since well.. forever.
I was also talking about my high hopes of hurrying through school to graduate with my associates degree as soon as possible, I was telling my mom how anxious and nervous I was to plan my schedule for going to school through the summer while working full time. Next, my name was called and they asked me all my personal questions like height, age, and to explain my circumstance with my neck. When the dr. Nelsen came in he was a very positive young man. Even the way he talked, he was a little hyper about his work. He explained to me that this lump on my throat happens quite frequently to young women my age, that struck me as odd because I never knew or heard anyone that had this. He told me to take some antibiotics for the next two weeks and that he would talk to me in two weeks to see what the problem is. Two weeks had gone by and I noticed that not only did the lump get bigger but I also noticed one in front of my left ear, not nearly as big, but noticable.
My second visit with the doctor was March 2nd. We discussed that it has recently gotten bigger, now my doctor seemed a bit skeptical and worried. He wanted me to fit me in to get a CT scan done right away, and by right away he ment that afternoon.
I called my work to tell them that I wasn't coming because I had to take care of some medical issues, now my boss Alex was very easy going about everything I couldn't have asked for a better boss at the time, but I still wanted to make it back to work if I could so I hoped the scans wouldn't take too long. We still had around two hours till I had to do my scan so my mom and I went to Wingers to eat. Wingers is one of my favorite places to eat so I was more than happy. While I was eating I never felt more nervous in my life, I didn't know what to expect when going in. I started to think "what if it is cancer?" I just assumed from then on that I had cancer so it's time to just move on and deal with it. If you think of the worse circumstance things can't possibly get worse right? I wanted to be the brave,heroic, and positive person in this story. Unfortunately I was also the naive one.
When we were about to do my scan I was just nervous if the needle would hurt. While we were in the waiting room an older man asked me if I had ever had an IV done before. I responded, "No, I've never had anything wrong with me until now." He reassured me that the needle wouldn't hurt and CT scans are fast and easy. He was right, the needle was a small prick, but I was not prepared for the scan. We had to wait a while longer because they needed the radiolagist to help in the ER. When he came to get me, he also reassured me that it is safe and easy, but what I didn't expect him to say was," When you feel like you peed a hot liquid, that is normal but also know that you didn't pee your pants." was he serious? Of course he was serious, it was the weirdest but one of the coolest feelings I had experienced.
The scan only took a few minutes so I hurried to work after that and was only at work for a hour. I had to wait over the weekend till I found out the results of my scan at my Doctors appointment. On monday when we went in to see my results what we found was shocking not only to me, but also my doctor.