If Only a Nurse Knew I Needed to Pee

Dr. Hunter was very serious about his work, he was determined to get rid of my cancer and keep it away. Now, I really appreciated what he was doing for me and he was a very good doctor, but I won't lie, he scared me! It's not his personality that scared me it was all the information he was giving me. In truth, all doctors have to give you all the information you need to know what you are getting yourself into. I thought my cancer was a bit easy to get rid of, comparing to other cancers of course.
Then he mentioned about how it could possibly enter my brain and that statement got me shivering with fright. If any cancer got through to my brain I would consider myself dead. I am absolutely thrilled we caught it when we did, because it would eventually spread to my brain anyhow.
His plan was to get some more scans done to make sure it had not spread anywhere else then to proceed to the next plan. He was very optimistic that I would only need to have radiation treatments.
I had my scans done for the the next week and had talked to my doctor again on April 2nd. He said that my cancer had not spread which is fantastic news! My surgery was to be held on April 10th, a week from my appointment. All this scheduling was going so fast, but it was a growing cancer so the sooner to have it out the better.

The morning before my surgery I was just anxious to get it done. I was thinking that my biopsy was very easy and that this surgery was going to be the same. I wasn't to go into surgery for at least 3:00 PM and I wasn't supposed to eat or drink anything before. When you are told you can't eat or drink anything it makes you want it even more. I felt I was dying just waiting for this to be over with! They finally took me into the operating room at 3:57 and the surgery lasted until 9:59. My parents told me later that I didn't get into my room until at least 11:00 or midnight.

During the night I was very out of it. I remember hearing people come in and out of my room during the night checking on things like my temperature. Later in the morning I was left alone and I woke at around 6:00 AM having to really use the bathroom. I have never wanted to pee so bad in my life. I was stuck with all these wires on me and couldn't really move. My left side of my face was numb, cold and felt huge. I was afraid to move anywhere. How was I going to get to the bathroom while being connected like this? There was no way, I had no strength. That's when I started to panic, I looked for a button to get some help but couldn't find it anywhere! I tried to yell but my voice was so hoarse and I could barely hear myself. This was so aggravating, how was anyone supposed to help me if they can't hear me? I was trying to scream for almost five minutes. That's when I started to really panic, I even started crying cause I really REALLY had to pee! Finally some young blonde nurse came into the room and asked what was going on. She asked me why I didn't use my button that was on my left side. She was annoyed that I wasn't using my button? Really? Why was the button left on the left side when I just had a huge surgery on that side of my freaking face? of course I'm not going to look there! don't give me an attitude about your stupidity. I screamed as loud as I could that, "I have to pee!" She almost looked like she was rolling her eyes at me and explained to me that I have a catheter in. Ok, I may have a catheter in... "So explain to me why I had to pee so bad?" I told her that it's not doing it's job and I had to go ASAP. I don't think I would lie about having to pee. 

Finally she got some one in to fix the catheter for me. I was already starting to hate this St. Marks hospital. My parents came in an hour after that, and felt so bad for leaving me here alone with no real help. From then on my mom has always stayed overnight with me to make sure I get help when I need it. Through out the whole day I was miserable, I couldn't open my mouth very wide ate all and I was continually nauseated. Everyone was trying to get me to eat anything, but I had no strength to do it. Not that my stomach was feeling for it as well. Since I wasn't eating enough, the doctor told me I had to stay another night. Now the doctor was on my bad side. I was so upset that they wouldn't let me leave. I also asked him if the numbness will go away. In all honesty, he did warn me that he would cut some nerves and I would be numb on the side. He reminded me that I will alway be numb from now on. It broke my heart, I felt even more fat faced when an average person would go to the dentist and got numb. This would never go away? I was so determined that I was going to be a freak the rest of my life. No guy would ever want to kiss a lopsided face like mine. I couldn't even smile! This is permanent? I was in shock for weeks. Many people don't truly understand what personal image is to us girls. From when we are young we believe it is the only way for a man to notice us.

Now, I am not shallow and I never have worn a lot of make up or have ever wanted plastic surgery. I believe I have to work with what God gave me, but when what God gave me was even taken away from me I felt abandoned. I felt I didn't even have a real personality to begin with and the little looks that I did have were taken from me. I never believed I was an ultimate beauty queen or even a possible model, but at least I was noticed from guys. Now? now, I will be mocked. I truly believed all of this. I'll tell you this now, I thought like I was showing all that I felt, not what I really saw. If you looked at me I wasn't all that different other than my scars, but I didn't look at myself so when I though my face was fat it wasn't. When I thought my face was deformed it really wasn't.

I was very depressed stuck in the hospital. During the night I puked after trying to take some pain medicine. I wasn't actually in a lot of pain during my stay at the hospital. I was very relieved and excited to finally go home the next day. On saturday I had to go back to my doctor and get my drain removed. I was a little nervous about a long tube coming out of my neck and I was right to be nervous.  When my doctor took it out it felt like a rough rope slicing through my neck going the wrong way. He did it so fast that he finished it before I could scream from the pain. That drain coming out hurt almost all night. I could tell this doctor was not my favorite, it wasn't his fault, I just never had any good experiences when talking with him he either gave me pain or false hope.

I was having a real difficult time eating anything or wanting to take my pain medicine that I got in frequent fights with my parents over it. My sister came over to talk to me to see if she could persuade me to take my medicine so I could eat. But she also told me it was up to me if I wanted to really fight for my life, I could starve myself or I could try to get better by eating. It was true I didn't have much of a choice I needed to get myself together again. I tried to eat as much as I could, but in the end I had lost ten pounds since before my surgery. On April 19th I got my staples and stitches removed and had to take time to heal before I had to go to my radiation consultation with Dr. Avizonis.