Stand Up To Cancer

Since my body was starting to heal my hair finally started to grow, when I first got my hair my head was like a fuzzy peach. I still had some major bald spots in the back of my head that hadn't grown hair yet, but I was growing hair again! I asked my mom what my hair was like when I was a baby and she only told me that I had always had hair, so technically this was the only time I've ever been bald. My left eye didn't have any eyelashes on the top or bottom, and since my eye looked a little sunken in I thought I would purchase some fake eyelashes for both eyes so I would match just a little. Well, I tried the eyelashes and they weren't easy to put on without real eyelashes. I only used it a couple times, but when I did it was a sloppy job so I stopped using the eyelashes.

To torture myself through another emotional rollercoaster I decided to watch the "Stand Up To Cancer" program on September 7th. I never used to listen to these stories, I knew that cancer was terrible and people had to go through a lot. I even knew people who had cancer or other diseases and other trials and tribulations. But being a patient yourself is a whole different story, cancer was a wake-up call. People aren't just suffering, people are dying. This disease has become more of an epidemic, something is not right for so many people to suffer like this.

We as the natural man don't put ourselves in others' shoes unless it becomes personal, whether someone we love is going through something hard or it be ourselves. Why is it that we just don't care about strangers or others we don't understand to just let them suffer? We as patients and troubled people expect to hear encouragement from our loved ones, but we really think and are motivated by the people who don't know us, because they did it out of their way. They are the saints that make a difference in the world one person at a time. I encourage people to help their family and loved ones, but I would advise to help a neighbor you don't know, a co-worker you don't usually talk to, or someone you don't know. Everyone is battling some kind of trial. Everyone needs someone to talk to or just a friend.

Everytime I hear a story about someone suffering from a scary disease like cancer I have to listen to the story, because I am more understanding as to what they have to go through or gone through. My experience is different from anyone else's, but I like to look back on my life and hear about how familiar other people's problems are to mine.

A Bruised Butt, Gelato, and Drool.

Life was finally turning around I was able to go to church and even went to my cousin's bridal shower. Okay, I wasn't in perfect shape when I went to the bridal shower, but HEY I got out of the house and did something that wasn't going to the doctors. At this point I was still having a hard time eating, and when it came to sweets, well forget it they were too strong or too rich I hated eating anything sweet. It was all about the salt, eating things like chips and fries. I was constantly craving fries! It was so good to get out of the house, but since I was so used to my reclining chair at home I was used to having a cushion on my butt. When I sat on a hard chair I could feel my butt getting bruised. I was so uncomfortable sitting in the chair and my family noticed. I was complaining a little to my mom and aunt that my butt hurt. My aunt Amy was so sweet to bring in some blankets for me to sit on after she laughed about my boney butt. Of course on my way home I asked my mom to stop off to get me some french fries. Mmmm food!

August 30th I went out with my sister and nephew for some gelato, another exciting day because I got away from home. I was still taking my gatorade bottle with me everywhere because I was nervous to leave the house without my drink in case I needed it, and let me tell you I always needed it! I don't remember what the name of the gelato place we went to, but It was freezing in there. It would make sense as to why it would be cold, but it was worse when I started eating the gelato. When we got outside in the heat I wanted to be back in the cold building.

Ever since I got my feeding tube out I tried sleeping in my bed, and it was so hard getting used to sleeping in a flat bed. For the first couple weeks it would make my ears throb and make me kind of nauseated. I was still not able to swallow my saliva by then, so I would sleep with my tissues if I needed them and I would wake up with my shirt wet because I had drooled. But the night of August 30th I tried to swallow my saliva and I didn't get sick! It was still thick but it was getting better. I finally got some good sleep when I knew I could swallow my own spit, this was a huge step for me. I didn't realize how grateful I was for the ability to swallow. Before I had cancer it was as easy as breathing and now it's never been as easy for me. To this day I still struggle with swallowing, but I'm so happy I can!

A Little Loss For A Big Gain

As many of you already know, I am a Latter Day Saint Christian. I was born in this faith with good parents who taught me the gospel. I grew up learning about the Book of Mormon along with the Bible, and The Pearl of Great Price.To this day I believe in our modern day prophet, Thomas S. Monson. I don't drink alcohol or coffee, and I don't smoke, have tattoos, or dress immodestly. It is because I grew up in the church that I had learned these things, but I obey these commandments because I have faith in it. I'm not perfect but that only makes me human. I could go on in what I believe and express longer how much I love the gospel, but the reason I wanted to share this was background information for what I am about to tell you.

Every sunday at church I would take the sacrament and when I was a kid it was my least favorite hour on sunday because I thought all the speakers after taking the sacrament were dreadfully boring. As I got older and actually paid attention to the speakers and the sacrament became more meaningful to me, it became the hour I didn't want to miss. I'm not saying this because it's an expected answer of a good mormon girl. I'm saying this because I've re-evaluated my life. 

When I became diagnosed with cancer, I was never mad at God I accepted it and moved on. How could you hate someone who is just trying to show you something important. I know God had no intention of hurting me, but I think he knew I was strong enough to handle it and come out better than I was before. When I was going through chemo and radiation I couldn't go to church, so how was I supposed to get the sacrament? Luckily for a week or two I had some nice men come to my house who blessed some bread and water for me. Unfortunately, as the effects of chemo and radiation took a hold of me I couldn't even swallow so I had to go without the sacrament for a couple months.
I truly believe that you don't realize what your missing till it's taken away from you. In this case it was taking the sacrament, it meant so much to me when I got to return August 26th to church. I didn't hold anything back, so when I took the sacrament I did cry and it felt so good to feel apart of the church again. Even through all the pain, heartache, and effects I was still feeling it gave me some peace. I am so proud of myself for never giving up on my faith and my values.

Crazy Fascinations

I just wanted to share a little of what it was like on a feeding tube, I was recieving liquid food from a tube that attatched to a bag that attatched to a pole. Everytime I wanted to go to the bathroom I would have to drag that pole with me, when I had long chemo visits I would bring a special backpack to put it in to substitute the pole. But when I was going through chemo I was still stuck on a pole anyhow. If I had the energy or someone by my side I would just ask them to unplug me from my feeding while I went to the bathroom.
When your on a feeding tube you'd think that your stomach would feel satisfied, like you never craved food because you were neither hungry nor full but just satisfied. That is not the case with feeding tubes, you are always hungry, but when your feeding tube is clogged and you have no source of food at all your body is truly starving. Starving is to be deprived of nourishment, that is all my food consisted of. Those time my feeding tube was clogged my stomach never growled, it just gave me pain and many cravings for any kind of food. Even when I was on my feeding tube I would watch TV and 90% of commercials consist of some advertisement of food! Some days I would torture myself by watching shows like "Man Vs Food". It was very frustrating not being able to eat real food, I had no taste buds that even when I did try food it's not like I could actually taste it.
So back to when I first had Nachos, they were in truth a little piece of heaven, but it was cut too short when I fell asleep. The next day my feeding tube clogged, I decided for myself that I was NOT going to have another feeding tube replaced I was done! The only problem was that the hospital wouldn't take me to get it taken out( I can't remember the reason) So my mom called a doctor to ask if she could do it. This really scared me because I was thinking you need to know how to pull something out of someone's body, right? My mom is a very smart and wise person, but she isn't a doctor. I love her, but I was very hesitant. So when the doctor told her that anyone could do it, I freaked!
I finally got over the fact that my mom was going to pull it out and wanted to get this over with. My sister Jamie was with us and was very excited to witness this, actually she kinda wished she had done it. I layed flat waiting for it to get pulled when I had a bad urge to once again puke. earlier that day I decided to try and eat licorice and well after that puking, twizzlers have not sounded good since.
I decided that it would be better if I sat up when it was being pulled out, so here I am freaking out that I will puke again, my mom is sliding the tube out of my nostril and I see Jamie's face crazy with fascination.
Once it was out, I felt so relieved and worry free. I'll never forget when Jamie told me she was bummed that she didn't take any pictures or a video. Now that the feeding tube was out I had the responsibility to take care of my eating habits. If I didn't get my weight up soon I might have to be back on the feeding tube, which is my last resort, actually that's a lie I think I rather have a feeding tube then have another ensure or instant breakfeast. I started off slowly by eating things like chicken noodle soup(heated), baked potatoes, and french fries. I was still having trouble swallowing and tasting things, but atleast I did well with these. During this time my mom always told me that if I ever had a craving or something I wanted to eat that she would go and get it for me, because the more I ate the better. It was important to get my weight up ,after having my feeding tube out I lost another couple of pounds that I couldn't afford to lose, but I was once again struggling get that weight back on my own, but I was very determined to do it on my own without the feeding tube. It was a risky gamble for my body but in the end it turned out to be successful.

Falling Asleep Eating Nachos

I managed to suffer through the holiday and get my feeding tube replaced. What I didn't explain very well that during the July month I was having a big problem with my left eye. At the beginning of the month my left side was pretty swollen especially near my left eye. After my last hospital stay it went down, but I had trouble opening my eye, it was weak and tired and I started to see double vision if I opened that eye. Since I wasn't opening the eye very much I had almost trained myself how to see with one eye. I had gone to some appointments for my eye, and luckily they told me it should heal on its own. I finally decided that it was time to try using that eye even if I saw double vision. After using it frequently for the next couple of days the double vision corrected itself, maybe there wasn't a problem the whole time.
In the beginning of August I had a real hard time with my saliva, it seemed as if it was getting worse, it would get stuck in my throat and I had no choice but to puke it out. I had a lot of pain going on because I was still trying to heal. It really took a lot of time to heal and recover, and because I was puking most days I would get very dehydrated so every week I had a nurse come into my home and clean my port to be used again. Since I was so sick and also so nauseated I didn't know if I could do my scans that were scheduled for the 10th. As I was in the parking lot I was confident I was going to make it and keeping my spirits up until I could tell I was going to pass out from walking too fast. Right outside of the building I puked once again, that's when I knew I was never going to make it through my scans. I had to cancel my MRI that day and rescheduled it for the next monday. I still had to go through with my PET scan because they already had everything waiting for me and this scan is very expensive so I really didn't have much of a choice. I was relieved though when they gave me the good IV fluid for my stomach. within almost ten minutes I didn't feel like puking and I was very calm. I finished my pet scan and on the 13th I continued with my MRI.
On the 16th when I was due to change my port and get it flushed I had a new supervisor come in and let me tell you, I did not care for her, she smelled of smoke and I felt like she really didn't know what she was doing. She practically was on top of my while flushing my port! Apparently she stabbed me numerous of time just trying to get it in and it was clearly visible as to where it goes but she missed, not only that when she missed she was going deeper in trying to find the area. I didn't scream because I didn't want her to freak out, but I was sweating bullets and clenching my teeth in pain. When she finally got it done I was so relieved for her to be gone, that was the last time I had my port changed from her.
A week later I was still trying food little by little and my mom had made nachos, but I was feeling some pain still and she told me to try and swallow some liquid tylenol since I was doing a little better swallowing. I thought that seems easy enough right? Well I took it before I ate and when I was in the middle of eating I was starting to feel really drowsy, it felt familiar. I knew this feeling and it was only caused by taking benadryl, I asked my mom if she had given me benadryl instead of tylenol on accident. She looked confused and went to check the bottle, that's when I knew I was right. I could tell she felt bad, but all I could do was laugh. I'll never forget that night. To this day I still give her crap about how she gave me benadryl instead of tylenol.