Scholarship Work

 I've been working really hard on how to approach my essays for some scholarships. If I really want my essay to turn out well I need to want to write it. I am not a good writer when it comes to non-fiction, but writing an essay on my cancer experience is my life which makes my essay non-fiction. It wasn't until I thought of symbolism that made me eager to write this essay.  If I could show my audience my perspective in a creative way I would be eager to write this. I wanted to show you how my essay turned out and let you know that I will be receiving a scholarship from Ulman Cancer Fund, and my essay was posted online from the C.R.O.W.N. Project.

Forget the shining armor. Forget the knives, swords, and arrows. My weapons of war were chemotherapy, radiation, feeding tubes, and emergency hospital visits. Forget about prince charming coming to save me in the end and asking me to marry him and live happily ever after. My prince charming was disguised as an old man with a white jacket and a MD. He was there to save me, or rather my life, but reminding me that my life may not yet be a happy ever after. 

In the cancer world it is dark, grim, and even a little depressing. With cancer I was battling the unseen villain in my body. The villain knew my weaknesses and invaded with his army. He knew my joys and dreams and has his own goals of crushing them secretly. He wanted me to suffer and slowly die. To never experience moving out on my own, getting a real education, finding a career, falling in love, getting married, having kids, or dying old. 

What he didn’t know was that when I found him sneaking into my boundaries I was willing to fight. I wasn’t going to let him take my kingdom away without a fight. With little time to waste I turned into a warrior overnight and began my war cry. Though I knew I would make it out alive, I wasn’t scared of the battle scars I would collect along the way. 

I was a victim to the hated and villainous illness by the name of cancer. When I noticed a large lump on the left side of my neck I didn’t think much of it since I wasn’t a doctor and didn’t know all there was to know about the human body. When it didn’t fade I got very nervous and went in to see an ear, nose, and throat specialist. After taking antibiotics for two weeks, taking a CT scan, and a needle biopsy, the doctor confirmed one of my worst fears. I had cancer. Not just any cancer a rare cancer called neuroendocrine carcinoma that started in my sinus cavity and moved into my lymph nodes. 

I was then referred to my next doctor who performed surgery on me and gave me the heartbreaking news of my future. Before my surgery he was almost positive that I wouldn’t have to go through chemotherapy, but I would still have to have radiation. When he got the lab results back from surgery he informed me I would now have to receive chemotherapy, but I wouldn’t have to lose my hair. Every day I was getting bad news from my doctors, because when I had my consultation with my oncologist he told me that with the chemotherapy I would receive I would lose my hair and it would possibly make me infertile. 

I struggled having chemotherapy and radiation at the same time. Through it I was stuck with a feeding tube, unable to swallow, and saliva so thick that if I tried to swallow I would end up vomiting. I had lost my hair, strength, and motivation. I had been in and out of the hospital all summer long with fevers and low blood counts. 

I had a problem sleeping when I was going through my chemotherapy, I was in so much pain, I had a hard time breathing, I was so weak, and my daily thoughts bothered me. Before I was diagnosed with cancer I dreamed of getting a degree in history and traveling the world to meet and help people less fortunate than I. I was working full time as a supervisor and going to school full time, I hardly had any time for myself let alone eat and sleep. I was so anxious to hurry and attain my associate’s degree that breaks were not a part of my plan. I was even going to go to school during the summer to get ahead. After dreaming of an eventful summer my plans were shattered and I was told by my doctors that it would be best if I take a break from school and work. What? I never believed in breaks then I was forced into one. All my ideas of a bright future were over; I had to give up school, my social life and my good job. Even though I thought my career goals were over, cancer was giving me a chance to reevaluate my life and truly think of what I wanted to do and how to share my talents. 

I read a lot of fiction on my own time and I have always made up stories that stuck in my head, but when I dream I have always considered them nightmares because of how vivid and real they seem to me. A couple years back I had dreamed a nightmare that still scares me to this day. Every time I had to calm myself through a scan, treatment, or getting to sleep I would imagine this dream in my head and I started creating the story to this dream with characters and fears of their own. This story I made up was the only thing that motivated me to keep moving forward, it was my sanctuary. Though I may not be grateful for having to put my life on hold and going through all the pain, I am grateful for the challenge it gave me to turn my life around and steer me in a new path. I’m no longer the same girl with the beautiful long hair that was insecure about what other people thought of her, now I’m a confident woman who values others before herself and yearns to continue to experience the life I was spared. In most fairytale stories the hero survives in the end having defeated his/her foes and dragons. I am that modern day hero in not just the public eye, but mine eyes as well. I still have many battles to face but I have won a war. 

Please share your comments and let me know what you think of my work. I am persuing to write fiction and would love some input!

The Doctor Who Wouldn't Look Me In The Eye

Before I moved back to good old Utah I had a couple other experiences I need to write about. For example, watching the show Parenthood. I have never had an interest in watching this depressing show, until I saw one episode out of the blue. I never understand why people watch such depressing shows where everyone’s lives are spiraling down and never seem to come back up.

As I was watching this show one of the characters was a woman finding out she had cancer. That’s what peeked my interest, not that I like to think about my cancer cause it doesn’t always make me exactly chipper, but the fact that I am seeing someone understand a little of what I have been through. Whenever I hear about someone facing cancer my attention is centered on them and the facts that are shared. Every episode I watched I wept with the character, because it felt so real, all my emotions were coming back and I was asked continuously why I would torture myself with this. I started watching this show almost religiously, it stole my attention and I couldn’t get over reliving my emotions, this is when I knew how much  I loved to share about my experiences with cancer, I love being asked questions about it and sharing my insight.

Most people that come up to me apologize and ask if they are being rude before they ask me questions about it. I am here to tell you that I love the questions and love talking about my cancer. It might have been something to tear me down, but now it’s something I have overcome and something I am very passionately proud of.

On to my next experience in Vegas, I was scheduled to have my doctor’s appointment in November, but wasn’t due for my scans until January. I was expecting some superb doctor like I had in Utah, but for me he wasn’t. I was a bit skeptical about this doctor. He was a nice enough man, but if a doctor can’t look you in the eye when he is talking to you we certainly have a problem. Whenever he talked to me he was either looking at the floor or/and squinting. Whenever I asked him a question he took nearly ten minutes to explain a simple answer. I’m sure he is a very good smart doctor, but he certainly doesn’t have what it takes to deal with patients.

Going to Vegas for appointments is a nightmare, they won’t answer their phones when you call and when you leave a message you expect them to at least call you back within that day or at all, not in Vegas. This is one of my many reasons why I wouldn’t go to Vegas for a doctor’s appointment. Another reason was something they post in their rooms so they are clear to read for their patients. (Picture) They are taking advantage of cancer patients! This is so wrong, like we don’t have enough problems now they are charging us up to $20 for a letter. This would affect me dearly since I was filling out some scholarship applications and they all include a personalized letter from the doctor. I understand we are taking a little time out of your busy schedule, but we you make more than enough for your work and this is part of your job. Luckily I got all my personalized letters in Utah which I got for free.

Where's Your Customer Service?

My mom and I finally moved to Henderson Nevada on October 20th. I'm not going to lie the weather is fantastic, but to move there? Well... It's not Utah that's for sure. I knew I was going to have a hard time adjusting when I found out they don't have Wingers and Grandma's Sycamore bread, for me those are essential. This move really did escalate quickly!

This was an opportunity to start over by meeting new people and getting a new job for more experiences. I lived in Vegas around six months, and ended up wasting my time and money. The only benefit of being in Vegas was living with my parents.

I did get a job at Plato’s Closet, I started working on super bowl Sunday and put all my energy and strength to focus on being a good employee. On my third day working they were having this super deal on a Saturday morning where the customer could put as many clearance items as they could fit in a small bag that would only cost $15.00. It was a very stressful and chaotic day. I was sure I was hired until that morning the owner came out to talk with me and two other new employees that if we don’t prove that we want this job they were going to let us go. I didn’t realize that they wanted a competition out of us. I have had no experience with customers and told my supervisor that I would need training on it. I was only trained on where everything was located and how to tag clothes, now we had to show our customer service by bugging customers with our smile and help. I felt like a fake teenage girl.

Since I wanted to keep my job, I worked and was always talking to customers and cleaning up the mess like everyone else was. In the end I got a call from my supervisor telling me that they were going to let me go because they didn’t think I had enough customer service. Ok, so If I wasn’t trained on customer service why was I being let go? I was too upset to hear her talk anymore so she only continued by saying to turn in my t-shirt and I will get my paycheck.

When I went in to get my paycheck the only employees that were there were some people I didn’t know, which meant, neither the supervisors nor the owners were there. What? They couldn’t face me to explain to me why they really let me go?

I should have applied myself more, but I didn’t. We as human beings all make mistakes and all have regrets, but even though I acted like a lazy bum doesn’t mean I completely wasted my time. I was with family I love and proved to myself that I don’t need to move to “start over” in fact, by moving I was just running away from my problems. It was time for me to get my old job back and move to Utah.

October 2012

On October 5^th, I had my last doctor appointment in Utah before I moved to Vegas. I was all smiles that day because I was feeling great and ready to get back out in the public fuzzy head and all. That weekend I was going to Vegas for the weekend again, it was also General Conference weekend. While I was at the new home in Vegas I got a text from my sister Jamie telling me that I could now serve a mission. WHAT? This was huge news for anyone who is LDS because now men could go on a mission as early as 18 and women could go when they reach 19. I had always said that if they ever changed the age for missions I would seriously consider going on a mission, but now the state that I am in I don’t know if they would even let me go until after my five year mark. I am still debating on going, but there is something that’s pulling me and telling me to not go…yet. I was screaming when I heard the news. I was upset, jealous, happy, jealous, anxious, oh and jealous! I know I still have time to think things over, but there is still a part of me that just wants to leave tomorrow and never come back. To live in service has always been a dream of mine, I’m not very good at it right now and I want to change that and a mission could help me achieve just that and more.
I started back to work the beginning of October. I’d like to say it was like it used to be, but it wasn’t. I wasn’t the supervisor anymore, sometimes it’s hard to see how easily I can be replaced even though I worked so hard to get there and always striving to be my best and having everything stripped away because I got sick. Most of my good friends were gone from the company and I was stuck having to start over as if I was new, but it was worse because most of my co-workers that had started new after I was on leave acted annoyed of my reappearance. This wasn’t where I belonged. Getting my social life was going to be something really hard to get back into.
 I did not expect things to be the same when I came back, but I also didn’t expect to feel like the underdog from my peers. No one really reached out to me and I was too scared to approach the people I didn’t know because of the stares I would get, so I clung to the few people who knew me and were friends with me.
I wanted a new start after everything so I thought I would move with my mom to Las Vegas on the 20^th. On October 19^th I had quit Ingram Medical after two years.

Surgery Week

That Saturday the 22nd of September we moved to Las Vegas, boy what a trip it was. With the moving truck, it took us around nine hours to get there; my butt was definitely bruised by the time we got to the house. Okay, I lied we didn't move to Vegas really, more like the giant city of Henderson, which is about 45 minutes from the strip.
When we got there we expected to be able to move our furniture in right away, but that wasn’t the case since the painters weren’t finished painting parts of the house. Since my dad had been living in Las Vegas, he got acquainted with the new ward and met people who were willing to help us move into the house. If it wasn’t for them then we probably would’ve been moving everything in till past midnight.
While everyone was moving heavy furniture I was in the empty area taking care of Jamie’s son Tyler. I was still not strong enough to do any lifting so I was the babysitter. I would’ve loved to help, but I knew better than to push my luck. While I was babysitting I was told to put him to bed, I was reminded that he would cry and I should just let him cry for a little while and he would eventually fall asleep. Hearing that kid cry almost broke my heart, he sounded like I abandoned him! I don’t know how mothers do it. As much as I wanted to comfort that little boy I knew that his sleep was more important at the moment. I couldn’t help but wonder if I would ever be a good mother someday. After the move, everyone left to head back to Utah. Even my mom and I left my dad, who stayed at the new house. My mom still had unfinished business to do like for example an important surgery to attend to!
The day had finally come when I got to have surgery to take my uncomfortable port out! On September 25^th I was scheduled to get it removed. This surgery was making me a bit nervous, because I didn’t want another day full of vomiting. I recognized some of the same people in the operating room who put that port in me, and now they were going to remove it. The next thing I know my vision is getting shaky and blurry and I’m out. When I woke up I was feeling so good! Not the “good” feeling that you get when you win an award, but the good feeling when you’re in the middle of a good dream where you’re flying through the clouds and nobody can bring you down. In fact, I was not feeling sick at all. Actually, I was really hungry and feeling a little energetic, but yet I was so tired I could’ve slept for days.

On my way home I asked my mom to stop by Carl’s Jr. to get some food that I was craving; now I have hardly ever been to Carl’s Jr., but there I was slobbering over this hamburger. I don’t even know how I thought of Carl’s Jr. in the first place, but when I ate it I was on cloud nine. Ever since that day I have always loved hamburgers from Carl’s Jr. When I finished the food I went straight to bed and heard people every now and again, but refused to wake up because I was extremely exhausted. I slept all day long till it was dinner time then I slept all night, it was the best sleep I had ever had. This surgery was the best I’ve ever had in my life mostly because I didn’t end up vomiting.

Later that week my mom had her scheduled surgery to remove her breast cancer. I was very anxious and nervous for this surgery. When she came home she was a bit loopy and outgoing, but still herself. She was doing really well for someone who just got out of surgery, so I was surprised when she said she would go to her cousin’s wedding that night. We didn’t stay very long but it left us on a positive note for the week.

Cancer Strikes Again

That weekend in Vegas was a real stepping stone in my improvement. We were leaving Vegas on a good optimistic note, well until we got a phone call. My dad was at his place in Vegas checking on where we were every couple hours, we expected the call to be from him, but it wasn't. Before our little trip my mom had a couple mammograms, she wasn't too worried about the outcome but you never know when you'll get an unwanted gift.
The person to tell us the results from the mammograms was actually a very sweet lady in our church ward. Now back to the phone call we got, she informed my mom that she actually had cancer. What a joke! My sweet loving mother who battled with me because of my luck to have cancer would now have to battle breast cancer. why? Why my family? I never questioned God as to why I had to go through cancer, but my mom? She doesn't deserve this, how could this be happening?
I wasn't angry, I was beyond frustrated. My mom always told me what most mothers always say "If I could take this burden and place it on my shoulders instead, I would" Was God toying with my emotions? I was fine that he gave cancer to me, but don't hurt my sweet mother she's been through enough this past year!
 I remember glancing at my mom when  I was just diagnosed with cancer, and I saw her cry but I didn't. Then here I was in the car driving back to Utah stunned and crying because I never wanted my mom to experience any measure of what I had to go through. Luckily, it was determined as a pre-cancer, but to me cancer is cancer, I'm just happy they caught it so early. This next week was very rough on her, she was recently diagnosed with cancer while her husband was away and now she had to finish packing and move everything to Vegas by the end of the week.
My mom was pretty easy going about the whole cancer situation, she told everyone that she now had proof that stress(me) can lead to cancer. She kept telling me that it's not as bad as what I had to go through, but it's still not okay to me. Why her? Why my family? Don't get me wrong, I would never wish it on anybody but I take it very personally when my family is involved. So far, the year of 2012 is the worst year for my family.

Messengers of God at Target

My dad as an IT man got a job that was located in Las Vegas, so he finally took the offer and was working on selling our home in good old West Jordan. My parents decided to sell the home by owner so when my dad put the house on sale on KSL we weren't expecting to sell it as fast as we did, but we got an offer on the house within 24 hours. The next move was to find a house in Vegas that would be good for not only my parents, but for visitors and for my grandma to stay in. I was unable to go with my family to vegas when they were looking at the homes, but from what I heard they were not having the best luck. Since my dad was already living at an old home in Vegas he was still looking while my mom was in Utah working and taking care of me.
My hardworking mom turned into slave overnight working day and night to do everything before the big move. She packed the whole house herself while working full time, and making sure I had my pain medicine every four hours. I know this was not easy for her, she had to leave all her family and friends in Utah to go to a state she doesn't even like, and had to transfer to a job where customers yell at her all day. It's not something she planned on ever doing, but she did it because she loves my dad, she loves our family. She may have become a slave in the work but she was a hero in my eyes. She put her family before herself, she works hard and honestly. She's been through Hell and back and still comes out strong.
I was finally physically able to go on a trip with my mom to see my dad in Vegas on September 15th. I wasn't at all expecting how hard it was to walk all over the place. Now keep in mind, we didn't do a lot of walking, but for me it seemed like a lot of walking, by the end of each day I was exhausted because I was so out of shape. Sometime during the weekend we stopped off at Target when we were there a woman came up to me and very sweetly asked if I had a certain disorder or a disease that doesn't allow me to grow hair in certain areas on my head. I replied that I was more bald in certain spots on my head because of chemotherapy and radiation. She only asked because of her daughter, in fact she was somewhere in the store.
When we got to the cashier she was there with her ten year old daughter and she wanted her daughter to meet me. Her daughter would wear a wig because she was insecure about her bald head, but when I saw her she was looking up at me with the biggest smile on her face! She then took off her wig and her mom explained to me what they thought. I was so used to not wearing my wig and staying bald that I didn't realize what effect I had on other people, I just thought wigs were itchy, hot, and uncomfortable. But here I was in a random Target being told I was being a good role model for her daughter just because I was wearing my baldness proudly. I was shocked and humbled by hearing this, it's something I could never forget. Sometimes we are messengers of God and not even know it.