Fall Break Nightmare Part Two

The priesthood blessing I got was to me at this point more important than taking my pain medicine. I can't even count how many priesthood blessings I've had since I was first diagnosed with cancer. I might not be the most humble or the most righteous young adult, but when it comes to my faith I believe in priesthood blessings 100%. Sometimes I wonder what shape and condition I would be in if I hadn't had a priesthood blessing. It's not a cure, but it is so comforting to know that God will take care of little ol' me! 

This was one of the worst times to be in so much pain. I was supposed to take two major test for two of my classes the one week I didn't go to school. I never wanted to miss school and here I was in an awful situation. I wish I could say "ok, since I can't go to class I might as well study for my tests that I am missing". Unfortunately I wasn't even in that good of a situation. All week I was complaining about my pain, asleep because of my drugs knocked me out, and debating whether I should drop out of school. You could say I was stressed out without even studying. 

I couldn't believe this was happening, again! Before my classes started for the week I made sure to contact and e-mail my professors. I wasn't too worried about missing my English classes, because I could write an essay before they were due, no problem! When it came to my archaeology and biology anthropology class, I was in a deep whole. I was missing a week of class time that consisted of major note taking information right before the tests I was going to miss and I was going to miss precious time to study for those tests, not to mention these classes were my hardest classes I have this semester. I was very lucky with the professors that I had. They let me make-up the tests that I missed, but didn't give me really any time to study. My scores came in really low, but it was better to try than to not take it at all. It was an extremely stressful time for me. 

When I explained to my English professors why I would be missing from class, they went far off and beyond what I expected!  One professor made sure to let me know that I can come back when I am ready, and if I needed to turn my future assignments in electronically than I could do that. My other English professor pulled me into her office after class and asked me how I was doing and told me " just consider me your mom away from home" she wasn't acting as a teacher she just wanted to make sure that I was taken care of. It was so comforting to know that. I'm sure my mom would appreciate that as well! 

This experience was a wake up call when it came to my priorities. Even though I knew my cancer was back I should have reconsidered going back to college. I was just so afraid of letting my scholarship, my family and anyone who has had cancer down. I was afraid that people would see me as someone who couldn't handle my trials. I see so many people who are fighting cancer and they continue on with their lives. People are taking chemo and they are going to school or still working! I hated seeing everyone have such successful lives. Everyone was making relationships, getting married, creating families, getting their education, making a career, while here I was... No here I AM sitting in front of a stupid television doing nothing with my life! Although I know I should have not gone to school, but man... I LOVED it! I miss my education. 

Fall Break Nightmare Part One

Going to school at Utah State University was almost everything I dreamed it would be! Sure I lived in one of the cheapest dorms there with no air conditioning or elevator to my room on the fourth floor, but I got what I paid for. I had fantastic roomates and new friends because I moved to Logan. I did some fun things as well like riding a mechanical bull and dressing up like a girl version of the Doctor Who at the HOWL. Now don't judge me, it wasn't all about partying I also had a love/hate relationship with school. My english classes were the best classes I have yet to take while my science classes were... hard to keep up with. My science classes were very interesting and insightful, but they made me very happy that I chose to get out of history as a major. As much fun and interesting as those science/history classes were they were very difficult to understand and hard to keep up with. The exams were rough, but I was keeping up... until my cancer came back again. During fall break I went to Salt Lake City to see my doctor about my PET scan and of course my cancer was back, this time in my right femur. What was I going to do? I attend school in Logan! Luckily there was a radiation doctor in Logan that I was able to go to, but by the time I got an appointment my right leg was in too much pain to walk without crutches. Even though I was in extreme pain I wanted to try to go to some of my classes and try to explain my situation and see if there was any way I could stay in my dorms until I could recieve some treatments. I wouldn't have been worried about missing my classes for a week except there were two crucial exams I would be missing along with some crucial notes and information I needed for those exams all in the one week that I had to miss. I was determined to get to my classes, but was only able to go to one because my pain was becoming harder and harder to bear. Let me back track to the beginning of the semester when I met a very amazing shuttle driver. His name is Dave and he knew just about everyone on campus. He remembers mostly everyone he meets and remembers their stories. No he doesn't do it because his job requires him to be nice, but because he is an honest good man who cares. He knew all of my roomates and our stories that we talk with him about. No one talks to him just because there is nothing better to do, but because he is incredibly fun to talk to and always has some interesting stories to talk about. I sometimes joke that he only remembers my name because his daughter's name is Tiffany as well, but I could be wrong. (; The reason I wanted to mention him is because on my way back to the dorms. I got on a shuttle that Dave wasn't driving, but he was the shuttle that was right behind mine because when I was walking back on my crutches to my dorm Dave spotted me and ran off the bus and ran up to me. He heard what had happened from one of my roomates and wanted to help in the best way he knew, a priesthood blessing. It was exactly what I needed!

Getting Through the Negative and Moving Toward the Positive.

I've been dreading this posts for the longest time, but it's time for me write it down and finally move on.  I'll be honest it's not a very positive post. So to continue with my story, they found cancer in my hip. Well, there was nothing to worry about my eye, so they only had to focus on my hip. 

When I talked to my doctor, she told me that my cancer was back and will continuously come back. The way she put it was, " I don't know when you're going to die, or when your mom will die, or when I will die. We just have to keep fighting this and hope for the best, but this will probably be what kills you in the end." Great, now where is the hope? 

My mom was crying again, and this time I was too. So this is going to be my life? I may never get the chance to get married and have a family like most will, but I'm still hoping this will be a blessing in disguise. That's when I think of how lucky I am to know that life is eternal, even if I don't get a chance to have a family here on earth I will still have a chance when I die and return to my Heavenly Father. Don't get me wrong, I still have negative thoughts like when I die I'll be alone, or I get depressed because I want normality when I go to school, and I especially have negative thoughts about my worth. 

Now that I'm here going to school in logan I'm still debating whether to go see a psychologist up here or not. But I would like to leave this post on a good note so I will show you a couple pictures of when I got my scholarship from Ulman Cancer Fund and when I participated in Relay for Life! 

By the way I want to thank the riders who gave me my scholarship, and everyone who helped with the relay for life, especially my brother who participated in Mr. relay and won!

.....And the Results Are In!

Let me start off with the dreadful news, for the past six months I have been working at my old job. A little over a month ago I got a call from my doctor to notify me about my PET scan I had previously. I was driving home from work at this point when my doctor called, I only answered thinking that this would be a short sweet conversation, I was in the clear before why would I have to worry anymore? 

 I had planned out what he was going to say to me, until he kept talking, that's when I realized that something popped up in the scan, something is very wrong. My heart was pacing and my fingers were shaking, and yet I was still driving on the road listening to my doctor tell me how worried he is that he found some spots showed up on my eye and left hip. Left hip? Seemed like a pretty random spot to hit. At this point I wasn't thinking clearly and was very emotional. On the phone I kept my cool, but physically you would see a complete mess. Near the end of the conversation he told me he had already talked to my mom about it. ( apparently he called the wrong number so he told my mom anyway)

My mom was the first person I called, but she didn't answer her phone so then I called my dad. I had to talk to someone about this, I was utterly shattered. I was planning on going to school and participating in relay for life in just three or four weeks. I was still driving home when I called my dad bawling out my eyes practically screaming "why now?" " I can't do this anymore" " why is this happening?" . My dad was just as stumped as I was. He did the best he could to comfort me, and I needed it more than ever.

When I pulled in to the my grandparents driveway (where I was staying at the time) I just sat in my car and just cried for at least five minutes, just when I was about to compose myself my grandpa came up to my car and banged on my car to scare me for fun. It did make me jump, but also pushed my emotions even farther and I started bawling again. It was just bad timing I don't blame him for making me cry, because on any other day I would laugh if he did that, even now I laugh at the situation. 

He knew was something was wrong when he noticed I was moving out of my car cause I couldn't compose myself anymore. He asked me what was wrong, and all I could say was "I got my results back from the pet scan..." That's when the cussing started with my grandpa as he escorted me into the house. "Shit...shit...shit!" Then my grandma asked what happened and I could hardly speak by this point. My face was red, hot, and wet. Later that night I told the rest of my family and talked to my mom who didn't answer my phone call because she was having a hard time as well. About an hour after I told my sister I had all my siblings over and I had a priesthood blessing, I needed it more than ever! 

 Later that week I started to feel some strong pain down my leg, by the end of the week I couldn't sleep through the night it was so painful. That next day I lost mobility in my left leg, which was around the time I had a bone scan so I could do a biopsy for it.

My mom came up from Vegas to help me around the house and for my biopsy, and of course to bring me my pain medicine. Haha oh how I appreciated it!! 

Luckily what they found on my scan for my eye was just scar tissue, but they were pretty worried about my hip...

Scholarship Work

 I've been working really hard on how to approach my essays for some scholarships. If I really want my essay to turn out well I need to want to write it. I am not a good writer when it comes to non-fiction, but writing an essay on my cancer experience is my life which makes my essay non-fiction. It wasn't until I thought of symbolism that made me eager to write this essay.  If I could show my audience my perspective in a creative way I would be eager to write this. I wanted to show you how my essay turned out and let you know that I will be receiving a scholarship from Ulman Cancer Fund, and my essay was posted online from the C.R.O.W.N. Project.

Forget the shining armor. Forget the knives, swords, and arrows. My weapons of war were chemotherapy, radiation, feeding tubes, and emergency hospital visits. Forget about prince charming coming to save me in the end and asking me to marry him and live happily ever after. My prince charming was disguised as an old man with a white jacket and a MD. He was there to save me, or rather my life, but reminding me that my life may not yet be a happy ever after. 

In the cancer world it is dark, grim, and even a little depressing. With cancer I was battling the unseen villain in my body. The villain knew my weaknesses and invaded with his army. He knew my joys and dreams and has his own goals of crushing them secretly. He wanted me to suffer and slowly die. To never experience moving out on my own, getting a real education, finding a career, falling in love, getting married, having kids, or dying old. 

What he didn’t know was that when I found him sneaking into my boundaries I was willing to fight. I wasn’t going to let him take my kingdom away without a fight. With little time to waste I turned into a warrior overnight and began my war cry. Though I knew I would make it out alive, I wasn’t scared of the battle scars I would collect along the way. 

I was a victim to the hated and villainous illness by the name of cancer. When I noticed a large lump on the left side of my neck I didn’t think much of it since I wasn’t a doctor and didn’t know all there was to know about the human body. When it didn’t fade I got very nervous and went in to see an ear, nose, and throat specialist. After taking antibiotics for two weeks, taking a CT scan, and a needle biopsy, the doctor confirmed one of my worst fears. I had cancer. Not just any cancer a rare cancer called neuroendocrine carcinoma that started in my sinus cavity and moved into my lymph nodes. 

I was then referred to my next doctor who performed surgery on me and gave me the heartbreaking news of my future. Before my surgery he was almost positive that I wouldn’t have to go through chemotherapy, but I would still have to have radiation. When he got the lab results back from surgery he informed me I would now have to receive chemotherapy, but I wouldn’t have to lose my hair. Every day I was getting bad news from my doctors, because when I had my consultation with my oncologist he told me that with the chemotherapy I would receive I would lose my hair and it would possibly make me infertile. 

I struggled having chemotherapy and radiation at the same time. Through it I was stuck with a feeding tube, unable to swallow, and saliva so thick that if I tried to swallow I would end up vomiting. I had lost my hair, strength, and motivation. I had been in and out of the hospital all summer long with fevers and low blood counts. 

I had a problem sleeping when I was going through my chemotherapy, I was in so much pain, I had a hard time breathing, I was so weak, and my daily thoughts bothered me. Before I was diagnosed with cancer I dreamed of getting a degree in history and traveling the world to meet and help people less fortunate than I. I was working full time as a supervisor and going to school full time, I hardly had any time for myself let alone eat and sleep. I was so anxious to hurry and attain my associate’s degree that breaks were not a part of my plan. I was even going to go to school during the summer to get ahead. After dreaming of an eventful summer my plans were shattered and I was told by my doctors that it would be best if I take a break from school and work. What? I never believed in breaks then I was forced into one. All my ideas of a bright future were over; I had to give up school, my social life and my good job. Even though I thought my career goals were over, cancer was giving me a chance to reevaluate my life and truly think of what I wanted to do and how to share my talents. 

I read a lot of fiction on my own time and I have always made up stories that stuck in my head, but when I dream I have always considered them nightmares because of how vivid and real they seem to me. A couple years back I had dreamed a nightmare that still scares me to this day. Every time I had to calm myself through a scan, treatment, or getting to sleep I would imagine this dream in my head and I started creating the story to this dream with characters and fears of their own. This story I made up was the only thing that motivated me to keep moving forward, it was my sanctuary. Though I may not be grateful for having to put my life on hold and going through all the pain, I am grateful for the challenge it gave me to turn my life around and steer me in a new path. I’m no longer the same girl with the beautiful long hair that was insecure about what other people thought of her, now I’m a confident woman who values others before herself and yearns to continue to experience the life I was spared. In most fairytale stories the hero survives in the end having defeated his/her foes and dragons. I am that modern day hero in not just the public eye, but mine eyes as well. I still have many battles to face but I have won a war. 

Please share your comments and let me know what you think of my work. I am persuing to write fiction and would love some input!

The Doctor Who Wouldn't Look Me In The Eye

Before I moved back to good old Utah I had a couple other experiences I need to write about. For example, watching the show Parenthood. I have never had an interest in watching this depressing show, until I saw one episode out of the blue. I never understand why people watch such depressing shows where everyone’s lives are spiraling down and never seem to come back up.

As I was watching this show one of the characters was a woman finding out she had cancer. That’s what peeked my interest, not that I like to think about my cancer cause it doesn’t always make me exactly chipper, but the fact that I am seeing someone understand a little of what I have been through. Whenever I hear about someone facing cancer my attention is centered on them and the facts that are shared. Every episode I watched I wept with the character, because it felt so real, all my emotions were coming back and I was asked continuously why I would torture myself with this. I started watching this show almost religiously, it stole my attention and I couldn’t get over reliving my emotions, this is when I knew how much  I loved to share about my experiences with cancer, I love being asked questions about it and sharing my insight.

Most people that come up to me apologize and ask if they are being rude before they ask me questions about it. I am here to tell you that I love the questions and love talking about my cancer. It might have been something to tear me down, but now it’s something I have overcome and something I am very passionately proud of.

On to my next experience in Vegas, I was scheduled to have my doctor’s appointment in November, but wasn’t due for my scans until January. I was expecting some superb doctor like I had in Utah, but for me he wasn’t. I was a bit skeptical about this doctor. He was a nice enough man, but if a doctor can’t look you in the eye when he is talking to you we certainly have a problem. Whenever he talked to me he was either looking at the floor or/and squinting. Whenever I asked him a question he took nearly ten minutes to explain a simple answer. I’m sure he is a very good smart doctor, but he certainly doesn’t have what it takes to deal with patients.

Going to Vegas for appointments is a nightmare, they won’t answer their phones when you call and when you leave a message you expect them to at least call you back within that day or at all, not in Vegas. This is one of my many reasons why I wouldn’t go to Vegas for a doctor’s appointment. Another reason was something they post in their rooms so they are clear to read for their patients. (Picture) They are taking advantage of cancer patients! This is so wrong, like we don’t have enough problems now they are charging us up to $20 for a letter. This would affect me dearly since I was filling out some scholarship applications and they all include a personalized letter from the doctor. I understand we are taking a little time out of your busy schedule, but we you make more than enough for your work and this is part of your job. Luckily I got all my personalized letters in Utah which I got for free.

Where's Your Customer Service?

My mom and I finally moved to Henderson Nevada on October 20th. I'm not going to lie the weather is fantastic, but to move there? Well... It's not Utah that's for sure. I knew I was going to have a hard time adjusting when I found out they don't have Wingers and Grandma's Sycamore bread, for me those are essential. This move really did escalate quickly!

This was an opportunity to start over by meeting new people and getting a new job for more experiences. I lived in Vegas around six months, and ended up wasting my time and money. The only benefit of being in Vegas was living with my parents.

I did get a job at Plato’s Closet, I started working on super bowl Sunday and put all my energy and strength to focus on being a good employee. On my third day working they were having this super deal on a Saturday morning where the customer could put as many clearance items as they could fit in a small bag that would only cost $15.00. It was a very stressful and chaotic day. I was sure I was hired until that morning the owner came out to talk with me and two other new employees that if we don’t prove that we want this job they were going to let us go. I didn’t realize that they wanted a competition out of us. I have had no experience with customers and told my supervisor that I would need training on it. I was only trained on where everything was located and how to tag clothes, now we had to show our customer service by bugging customers with our smile and help. I felt like a fake teenage girl.

Since I wanted to keep my job, I worked and was always talking to customers and cleaning up the mess like everyone else was. In the end I got a call from my supervisor telling me that they were going to let me go because they didn’t think I had enough customer service. Ok, so If I wasn’t trained on customer service why was I being let go? I was too upset to hear her talk anymore so she only continued by saying to turn in my t-shirt and I will get my paycheck.

When I went in to get my paycheck the only employees that were there were some people I didn’t know, which meant, neither the supervisors nor the owners were there. What? They couldn’t face me to explain to me why they really let me go?

I should have applied myself more, but I didn’t. We as human beings all make mistakes and all have regrets, but even though I acted like a lazy bum doesn’t mean I completely wasted my time. I was with family I love and proved to myself that I don’t need to move to “start over” in fact, by moving I was just running away from my problems. It was time for me to get my old job back and move to Utah.